あ

but will it?

4.09am and i cant sleep because of these intrusive thoughts and anxiety, not knowing what to expect next. it seems like other platforms arent safe anymore. i dont want to keep disappoint myself by putting hope on others and counting on them. and me in this state, i know it can be really toxic and i dont want to risk it and lose other people as well. it's tough but i have to do this on my own. sooner or later, i'll have to get by. 

i just hope it gets better 

disconnected

i hate this feeling where i cant bring myself to be nice to you bcs i will end up regretting my actions and beat myself up for doing that. why is it so hard to be nice? why do i always feel the heat on the back of my head whenever i look at your face or just be in the same room as you. i cant hide my expressions whenever someone bring up your name and tell me the good things you did. idk why im so annoyed with every thing you do. 

truth is, i dont even want to feel this way anymore. it sucks, big time. i did try to control myself and give you (multiple) chances and yet, you betrayed that too. for every time i was affected by you, i took my time to get up on my feet again and yet, that was not enough, each time i tried to connect with you, you did something that'd disappoint me even more. i've come to a point where i think all of this is useless. because it'll be the same cycle, until you decide to stop with all of this and change yourself. ive done countless thinking and some reflections as why do i still feel shitty and nothing seems right in this house. i tried to think of the consequences of my actions, that would def affect myself, my mental health and my future. i dont wanna be a bad person, but i can only do so much. 

the constant betrayal and lies have affected the hell out of me. i dont know how to trust again and i dont know who should i look up to. and the voices keep telling me that it's my fault. i constantly think of the "why"s and i still try to find good reasons for everything you did. the rage and anger are not making this easier. ive been wanting to express it in an unhealthy way again. this jaw and knuckles are dying to do its job again. but in my sane mind, im trying my best to control myself. god knows i do. 

people said i deserve to feel this way. i have the right to. because deep down, i know that im deeply hurt and disappointed with everything. idk what im gonna do to fix this, but if cutting my rship with you can help, i'd do it. in fact, thats what im doing now. 

i keep telling myself that it's not my fault. you chose to betray, you chose to lie and you chose to walk away. im done blaming myself for everything that happened. im tired of being constantly inconsistent. 

i miss you as someone i could look up to. i long for your love and care. i miss being protected by you bcs now im doing it all alone. i feel so disconnected and all i ask is some courage and little hope to go through this. 

0252

still don't know what's happening, still figuring things out. still lost 


it feels like living in a dead body. no emotions, always forcing myself to do my assignments and study; which i dont really know why. people would say it's for my future, but honestly, is there even hope for the future

all the flashbacks are getting stronger and i cant snap myself out of it. all the nightmares, the cycle goes on. everyday i see those stuff, haunting me till the point ive become so numb to it

***

been trying to get up on my feet again but i feel like this is just too hard

at fault

for the longest time, i asked myself "is it all my fault?"

trust me i've asked myself this question countless times. and maybe you once did too. some days i told myself that it's not; because life just, happens? and on other days i'd beat myself up because i convinced myself that it is my own fault. 

i rarely ask people this question, because i know they'd say it's not. idk, sometimes i just feel that people lies and they're saying that for the sake of it. 

imagine being in this situation where you have been asking yourself the same exact question everyday, and you've tried so hard to not believe in everything that your mind says. and you've tried your best to believe in other people, who may truly see you as a completely different person than who you think you are. and you actually believed that. so you're like, happy and relieved cause at least you have something to hold on. but imagine, someone told you that it is your fault. and that someone happens to be the person that you look up to in your whole entire life. 

you'll feel like your whole life has been a lie. all this while, when you thought you're innocent and you're able to have hope again, -only to know that it doesn't last long and fake.  

man, this surely hurts a lot. 

🥀

to whoever that still reads this blog, thank you. i hope you are doing fine and hopefully life is treating you well. 

things are getting tough again. i thought i've already got a hold in my own life, but it's the other way around. remember i once (read: a lot of times) told that i want to give up? apparently i made it through and i thought that was the toughest thing i had to go through for awhile, so i deserve a break from life, right? 

little did i know what's ahead of me. 

i am sad looking at myself, i am no longer able to open up and talk about my problems or what's going on inside my head. my words are all over the place, i can't even make a simple sentence without having to think of it at least twice. i can't put my thoughts into words anymore. remembering things have never been this hard.  i'm sad because i know i wasn't like this last time. 

i keep on thinking that this is all my fault. i wish i could stop being too hard on myself, because that's what people have been telling me. i feel like i've failed in so many things. sometimes i really don't feel like myself anymore, heck, i don't even know who i am now. 

people said that God wouldn't put me in any situations that i can't handle. i'm in no way blaming God for what happened. but i have to admit, i want to know the reasons behind all of this so badly. it's like, life has been hitting me one after another. and it can get tiring sometimes. 

it's really frustrating how you always try your best to get up and be a better person, but yet you keep on falling. it's so exhausting, you don't wanna get up anymore. you just want to sit and maybe even lie down until you're ready again. but i guess that's not how life works. 

"keep blooming, flower" is what people told me. but they forgot that flowers do wilt too. 

i still blame myself for what happened before. maybe i'm not good enough for anything; for my family and friends. it saddens me to see my conditions right now because i truly feel helpless. i've tried almost everything to make things better, and yet i still fall again and again. 

why cant i shut these thoughts easily? why do i have to face the same thing all over again. at this point i no longer feel tired of it because it has become a routine. it's the same cycle everyday. every morning when i wake up, i always try to look forward to that day and try to plan something for myself, or even for someone else -basically anything as long as i dont have to be alone with my own thoughts. and at night i will always make myself feel tired and every time i take my pills, i always hope that it'd do its magic work and make me feel sleepy so that i can just go straight to bed without having to overthink and feeling anxious about the future. 

reading, colouring, all those stuff do not bring joy to me anymore and that sucks because now i constantly have to think of other distractions. even going out doesn't help as much. oh god, what do i really want in this life, really? 

probably i just want it to be over. 

the city with the big red bus

i miss london. a lot. 

a lot of things happened when i was there eight months ago. if i had the chance, would i still go there again even if i know it might trigger me again?

definitely yes. 

i dont know, as bad as how things were before, london still has a special place in my heart. it gives me peace and being there makes me appreciate life even more. the parks there are a few of my safe places. and what makes me love london more is the fact that i've had bad experience(s) there, which makes me realise that london is not always a 'fantasy-or-heaven-on-earth' kind of place. which i think is fair, at least people wouldn't think that im too biased just because everything is "perfect" there. 

but i am not gonna lie that at one point, i hated london so so much. i hated it till i reached the point where i didn't even want to think about it anymore. i was so desperate, wanting to fly back to malaysia and just be away from it. i've faced a few situations where i was discriminated for the way i dress and prolly for my religion too. and that's okay because i learned a lot from that. 

idk what im writing honestly but bottom line is, i miss london and the safe places there. i just miss sitting under the big trees and listen to good musics while reading some books or colouring. i miss my costa coffee and hot chocolate too tsk. take me back pleaseeeeee

something constant

tired,

the pressure, the responsibilities, the workload, the stress, the expectations, everything is tiring. 

things are so much harder when you're mentally sick & incapable of doing things. it's just so hard because people can't see. it's so hard to pretend; to live. 

maybe it's because i manja myself too much so thats why every hardships feel like extra burden. i know that sometimes i have to be firm with myself, and remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me. but again, i can't control all of this. 

my doc asked me, " what do you want in your life right now?"

it took me awhile to answer,

"something constant"

and i cried. 

he asked me to explain why did i answer that. because really, i don't think there's anything constant in this life. people can come and go. people can leave you, and you'll be separated from someone you love. whether you like it or not. i have experienced that myself after mom's passing. the pain still lingers, and i can remember everything vividly. 

people too, can change. and so can you. & i think that's the scariest thing. 

he then asked, does it only apply to people? and i said no. it applies to everything. and i answered happiness isn't something constant too. you can feel happy, extremely happy, and the next thing you know, you're feeling sad and down. 

it's so sad how unfair life is. because nothing is guaranteed. having something or someone doesn't guarantee your happiness and contentment. plus life is full of risks. 

before the session ended, my doc looked at me and he said, 

"you told me that people and happiness aren't constant, but don't you think same thing applies to sadness and grief?"

that hit me hard. 

dear god, please heal me

hello there, schizo. i've heard lots of things about you and who knew i'd meet you too. please, be nice to me, to others.  

we're in this together. 

kosong

sitting on this chair in the dining room and asking myself why do i feel so empty.

i have friends but i don't feel like i do. i have family but everyone has their own lives. i am at home but i feel empty. 

tried to converse with someone but i myself couldn't keep up with my moods. 

i miss my old life, where i had lesser problems. where i could still control myself. where i had more friends. where i didn't feel empty and lonely. 

i'm scared to talk to anyone because i know it's tiring to talk to me. i don't want to annoy anyone. i can't even pretend to sound like i'm okay in texts. i'm tired of having these thoughts. 

i ask myself, what do i want?

i just want someone to be there for me. to tell me that it's okay to feel like this. to tell me that the future isn't scary and thing will be okay. i want someone to tell me that i'm worthy and i am not a burden. tell me that all of these thoughts aren't true. convince myself to not believe any of my own thoughts. stop me whenever i feel like hurting myself. 

i want  things to be back to normal. i want my mom. i want my dad. i want everyone that i care and love to be here right by my side, without me having to feel like things have changed and i'm different. 

i'm tired. 

tried my best and it's still not enough. 

homesick

the first thing i say to myself when i wake up every day is "oh, it's going to be another tiring day" and i will automatically think of some activities for me to do, to distract myself from my own thoughts. i would usually think about it the night before but sometimes thinking about what to do tomorrow drains me. after couple of hours struggling to get up from bed, i'd go and take my shower. most of the days i don't look myself in the mirror, because i'm too disgusted to see my own face. usually i'd just stay in my room, open youtube or netflix and just randomly click on any shows or movies. i don't really watch it, i just let it play itself because i don't want to feel lonely. at least there's another sound rather than just the loud voice in my head. it has been three months of me living like this. and there isn't a single night where i fell asleep in peace, a night without tears. i hate the nighttime the most. it's when i ask myself what should i do tomorrow and honestly every time i ask myself that question, my heart will automatically feel heavy. because there isn't much choice. i have to come up with something to make myself stay for another night.  

sure, i still have my family and closest friends with me. i have been trying my best to stay connected with them. i'm not trying to pull out any sort of cards but being in this condition with my disorders, it's hard for me to do that. it's not guaranteed that i will feel okay most of the time. and knowing how messed up my pattern is, it can be really tough for someone to deal with me. and that's why i choose to step back. 

as cliche as this may sound, i do feel numb. all the time. i don't feel happy or excited. i think the only emotion i could feel is sadness; a constant sadness that pulls you down into the darkness where you're all alone, and it haunts you back no matter what you do. i always depend on something for me to look forward to, or at least someone that i know who's going to be there, physically especially. i really can't afford to be alone now. i really can't. my body aches all the time, especially my shoulder. it's so stiff and it hurts a lot. most of the time i noticed myself clenching my fist or jaw, and i do that unconsciously. there's so much tension in my body. 

the meds that i'm currently taking aren't working, esp for the past few days. i don't feel any difference after taking it. maybe because i'm forcing myself too much to get better. but i just, idk.

i don't know how much longer i have to live like this, but really, it's exhausting. every breath i take feels so heavy and what sucks is that people can't hear that heavy sigh. 

i feel empty. so empty. there's no more joy or spark in my life. everything is so dark and heavy. i feel like i lost my sense of belonging. sometimes home doesn't feel like home anymore and the people that i used to call 'home' is no longer here. i truly miss everything. i miss home. i am homesick.

switch off

do you know how tiring it is to be constantly scared of yourself because you don't know what you're going to feel for the next few hours?

do you know how exhausting it is to constantly be cautious whenever you're feeling good/happy just because you know you're going to be sad eventually?

do you know how annoying it is to act like you're okay because you know people will get sick of your constant depressive episodes? 

do you know how frustrating it is to wait for yourself to get better when in reality you're actually not?

do you know how sad it is to be left alone and to feel lonely, even when you're surrounded with people?

do you know how shitty it is to feel disconnected from people you care and yourself?

do you know, how tiring it is to be the person you're not? just because you hate yourself for who you really are. 

i know a sane person won't say any of this but i really, really am tired of everything; of myself. i can't stress enough how shitty i feel every single day, thinking that i'm just another burden to everyone. it's so hard to constantly think of how to go through the day without any destructive thoughts. 

"do people still care?"

"do i matter?"

"am i valid?"

"what differences would it make if i just, go?"

i've come to the point where i'm starting to beg everyone, to try and understand this. 

everything is just tiring.