あ

hi, it's me again.

today is the last day of 2023 and as usual, i'm feeling all sorts of emotions. but this time around, my anxiety is much more intense and i'm more scared to know what 2024 has for me. 

the thoughts of death and losing my loved ones, including myself scare me. thinking about how i would handle grief is beyond my imagination. we aren't getting any younger, and with the diseases that are going around- definitely not helping. and above all, seeing what our brothers and sisters are going through in g is beyond, beyond heartbreaking. 

2023 is not my best year, and not my worst year, although that was a close call. i felt like i was on auto-pilot a lot this year, especially in the second half. i reached the burnout point and man, it wasn't easy at all. things have been okay, but they are not my standard; if that makes any sense. and i'm trying to unlearn and learn to accept that it's okay. 

i lost a few people this year. my uncle passed away in early july and i was affected by it. i thought i wouldn't but i guess i've come to the point where death in general would affect me in any possible way it could. and i also lost a few people whom i treasured. this year made me realise even more that people do change (including myself). whether to be the better version of themselves or the literal opposite. i definitely took my time to grieve. a lot of trust issues, second-guessing myself, blaming fate, and wanting to do things beyond my control. and life just humbled me as i was trying to do all of that. 

i would summarise the year as a year that i don't want to remember. it isn't all bad memories, but because i couldn't recognise myself along the way. i lost myself a few times. got back up and pushed through. but it didn't get better (or at least didn't meet my expectations). i became more disciplined when it comes to my meds, but still, i'm not satisfied. 

i'm still trying to understand this new phase/part of me. maybe she is just completely different from the usual me. and in this process, i have to unlearn and learn a lot of things about myself and how i function. it is hard and it comes with a lot of pressure. my character/personality around people is slowly changing; e.g. my thought processes are slower. and how can i function or show that alter ego when i myself don't know what is going on. 

2023 has taught me a few life lessons and i am grateful for that. i can finally close this book of my life and keep it on the shelf. 

may 2024 year bring us more happiness and contentment in life & the hereafter. may all of our affairs be eased. 

love and still feeling anxious, 

lily