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the darkest pit

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who would've thought i'd be in the same dark pit again after a few years. who would've thought i'd be constantly battling with dark thoughts 24/7 and finding it even harder to stop them. who would've thought i'd be needing to take a few pills in the morning so i can function properly at work. who would've thought i'd struggle to get the help i need. who would've thought i'd be longing for the pain of hurting myself. who would've thought i'd be losing my will to live and just want things to end as soon as they can. who would've thought i'd be like this again. 

well, i certainly did not think about any of these at all. i thought i've passed this phase, or at least; i'm healed. it sucks to be reminded again after a few years that this will always be a part of me. i don't like to be reminded how bad this can be. 

but what can i do. relapses are part of the journey. as shitty and tough they are, i have to go through it. it's not like i have any other choice.