something constant
tired,
the pressure, the responsibilities, the workload, the stress, the expectations, everything is tiring.
things are so much harder when you're mentally sick & incapable of doing things. it's just so hard because people can't see. it's so hard to pretend; to live.
maybe it's because i manja myself too much so thats why every hardships feel like extra burden. i know that sometimes i have to be firm with myself, and remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me. but again, i can't control all of this.
my doc asked me, " what do you want in your life right now?"
it took me awhile to answer,
"something constant"
and i cried.
he asked me to explain why did i answer that. because really, i don't think there's anything constant in this life. people can come and go. people can leave you, and you'll be separated from someone you love. whether you like it or not. i have experienced that myself after mom's passing. the pain still lingers, and i can remember everything vividly.
people too, can change. and so can you. & i think that's the scariest thing.
he then asked, does it only apply to people? and i said no. it applies to everything. and i answered happiness isn't something constant too. you can feel happy, extremely happy, and the next thing you know, you're feeling sad and down.
it's so sad how unfair life is. because nothing is guaranteed. having something or someone doesn't guarantee your happiness and contentment. plus life is full of risks.
before the session ended, my doc looked at me and he said,
"you told me that people and happiness aren't constant, but don't you think same thing applies to sadness and grief?"
that hit me hard.
dear god, please heal me