あ

i thought the beast in me has gone. but it came back, stronger than before.

why can't i control myself better? i really feel bad for my friends, for dealing with a person like me. last week was probably the worst. i got an attack in the middle of a lecture and it was only the first lecture of the week. i tried to control my emotions, i really did. i kept on telling them i need to go to toilet, so that i can cry. but by doing so, i actually attracted their attention and i really hate that. god knows how much i wanted to join their conversation, but i can't. because i can guarantee i'd messed it up. so i stayed quiet. 

most of the day i would force myself to eat when I'm with my friends. just to make them stop asking me why am i not eating and stuffs. its hard cause my body won't accept the food that I'm eating, which is why i always feel like throwing up every single time. it'd be a huge achievement if i manage to finish all my food when I'm with them. even when i do that, people will still ask 'why do you eat so little?' 'is that even a proper meal?' and i would just smile at them. its okay, maybe they don't know how it feels. its okay.

i don't want this to affect my studies. nowadays i can't even focus a thing in class. i will always get distracted no matter how much i tried not to. i hate the fact that I'm not participating in class. when my tutor asked the whole class a question, i really want to answer it. but most of the time my brain isn't there and i lost my focus. it takes me awhile to truly understand something. I've never been this slow. it affects my performance in class, and also the quality of my assignments. last week i cried every day while repeatedly reading the question of my assignment. because i don't understand anything. and to see all my friends doing their assignments and to see them studying really makes me feel sad. i feel sad because i used to be like that too. 

my health isn't doing any better too. last week i skipped a lecture and a tutorial because i don't have the energy at all. i didnt even get to check my phone. i was really drained and weak. one day, i forced myself to go to uni, cause for me, uni is a distraction since i can't stay at home for a long time. i literally had no energy to drive but i managed to. i thought i'd feel better if i go to uni and meet my friends. but that day, things got worse. it broke my heart when i saw their expressions after they looked at my face. i know they are worried, but it didnt help me to feel any better. and i felt useless when I'm with them, cause i just sat there and didnt say anything. and sometimes i would just walk away cause i need my space. and i fucking hate to do that because i know its rude to suddenly leave the conversation. but I'm sorry, i can't help it. I'm trying to fix that. 

i also had a group presentation last week and to be really honest, i didnt want to go at all. but i forced myself because i don't want to be selfish and leave my friends behind. i wasn't at my best state of mind when i was presenting, and i didnt get a good marks for that. but i think i deserve that.

i'm tired of crying over the same reasons every single night. sometimes i had no reason to cry at all, it just happened. most of the time I'm scared to feel happy cause I'm so used to feel like this all the time. and because i know that something bad is going to happen whenever i feel happy. just like last night. i was really happy and it has been awhile since the last time i felt that. and i ended up crying and had another breakdown. and the cycle goes on and on everyday. but i guess its a good thing for me to cry? cause i'd feel tired after that and i could at least get some rest. yea, very pathetic. i know.

despite all the bad things and the sadness, i am very happy to see how my friends have been doing. they are doing so much better than before and i have to admit, i am so proud of them. because i know it is not easy for them either. everyone has their own struggles and i salute their strength and willingness to happily go to class and do their normal routines like a normal person. i am inspired and i aspire to be as strong as them too. hopefully soon.

another thing that i hate about myself is, i find it really hard for me to talk to someone. i swear most of the time i really want to talk and open up to someone that I'm comfortable with. but my mind always tell me that this is just a small matter and i can handle it by myself. which is why i refuse to seek professional help, for now. i know i should do that asap but idk. i just want that aimless conversation with someone that i really want to talk to, without trying so hard to actually make a conversation. i wish they would do that because honestly I'm tired of trying. ugh why is this so complicated. 

tell me how to get better again?