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the last post was written five months ago, and we are still in the midst of lockdown. this is the second one actually. supposedly this is more chill but honestly everyone is just too confused with the rules sigh. 

so, in that five months, a lot has happened. i think? first of all, i got a new kitten for my 23rd birthday. it's not any other kitten, it's a munchkin. my fav breed of all. her name is Luna. i'm practically her mum cat, and i call myself 'eomma' lol my friend came up with the korean theme, and we just followed along. or perhaps, maybe luna is indeed korean. 

i'm also an aunty now! my nephew, Aryaan, made a grand entrance to the world. we couldn't even properly celebrate my sister in law's baby shower haha. but one thing i know for sure, is that Aryaan is surrounded with endless love. may you grow healthily sayang. tylils can't wait to tell you some good ol lame jokes. 

alhamdulillah, i am still working at the same place. i had to take care two child previously, J & V. J has graduated from our program in September. i am super proud to see him and being able to look at his progress from day one was such an indescribable feeling. then i was told to take care of another new kid, D. and bcs D's condition is quite severe and needs full attention, I will be no longer aiding V. this was not in the plan at all. i knew that J is going to graduate soon, because his condition is mild. but to let go of V in such a short notice, my heart couldn't take it. i get attached easily (depends on the situation) and ofc, i had a hard time to adapt. i was on leave when V was assigned to another therapist, and my colleagues told me that V kept on saying "where are you, where are you" every day. he even hugged my colleague who also wears hijab. maybe bcs the resemblance is there. mind you that he is not the type of person who likes to hug others. previously i taught him how to request, so he would say "i want ___" and when i was not there, he told my colleagues "i want miss lily". yes, my heart broke tsk. it's okay, i can still see and play with him. this is something i need to learn. to be able to move on and try not to be too attached. 

but i am still, very proud of both of them. they both have a special place in my heart. they have so much potentials, and very smart too. i hope the world will continuously offer them kindness in the future, because their pure hearts deserve it. 

anyways, as i mentioned, we are in the second wave of lockdown. i have been staying at home and working from my own room. i record videos everyday, for D. it is a totally different experience than last time, as previously i had back-to-back zoom sessions. i am glad that i get to experience different things bcs ofc, both has its own pros and cons. 

being at home for a long time, ofc i've done a lot of thinking. just like last time, this lockdown is affecting many people, still. it saddens me to see how many people lost their jobs due to this pandemic. many are struggling to put food on the table. to survive, basically. it makes me think that it's different for every single of us. i am blessed and thankful, but at the same time, i feel so powerless. because i can't help much, although i really want to. it is really, a hard time. maybe not for everyone. i hope and pray that god will ease all of this. all of our pain and hardships. i hope we get to live our normal life again, maybe not anytime soon, but i hope we eventually will. 

mentally, i'm not sure how am i doing. i noticed for the past few weeks i have been feeling low. not sure if it's because of my period. but it's a different kind of sad, if that makes sense. i feel like there is something holding me back from expressing my true feelings. like, i feel sad but i can't bring myself to cry or to let it out from my system. it's hard. because some days i feel okay, but the others i can be very sensitive. and i don't like that. 

i also think that my depressive episodes are lesser. but my anxiety is peaking, and that is bad. i don't like to feel anxious because that would affect me for days. the uneasy feelings, feeling scared of i don't know what, it is all tiring. i have been consistent with my journaling. it does calm me but sometimes it can make things worse. i have a lot of things to do for me to calm myself, like painting, drawing, etc. but again, it's either i'm too busy with my work and i will end up feeling tired, or i just don't have the energy to do it. there is nothing in between, and that's annoying. but i guess me typing this all out is a progress. right?

deep down, i know that this lockdown has something to do with my anxieties and low moods. i keep on overthinking stuff and i keep on having flashbacks. of how my life was, doesn't matter if it was a good memory or bad. and bcs of that, it makes me want to go back to my past which is ridiculous. 

i don't know. this year has been tough. we were all given different kind of struggles. i just hope the world, you, and I will get and feel better soon. i hope none of us will give up. i hope we will be given more strength each day, and keep giving it to each other. be kind, always. 

until then, take care.