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i think this is the hardest post to write, so far. and it is also why i took such a long time to write about what happened in july. i know that this year is a year of change for me, but i personally like july more than any other months, probably because it's my month lol. but really, this year's july means a lot more to me and i would never forget it. ever.
as usual, i dont know how to start and where to start. like other months, july has been such a roller coaster ride for me too. but it's more in a good way, i guess. a lot of mixed feelings, definitely. i guess i was so much more emotional in july as compared to when i was in may.
first day of the month was when my brother got engaged to the love of his life. i got all sort of feelings at first. of course im happy. but at the same time i couldnt believe that this is happening. the engagement day was fun, and was chill. but unfortunately i had a breakdown the night before, and i was extra tired on that day. that night, me and my brother went to starbucks and we were chilling after a long long day. and who knew i'd opened up to him that same night. knowing us (me and my siblings), we dont really share our personal//relationship life. we dont usually talk abt this stuff, even if we do, we rarely go deep and ask too many questions. given that i was already tired from the breakdown, i was feeling super heavy the whole day. and my brother kinda sensed it. idk how it happened but i remember me telling him what's going on in my head, my plans, and everything that i was feeling that time. i held back my tears and i can still remember the pain in my chest, but i ended up crying (a bit la, have to maintain my coolness lol) in front of him. it was nice, to have someone, esp your own family to hear you out. not that they didnt hear me out at all before, but that was the first time after a long time that i willingly opened up. i can still remember everything and i will cry every time i think of it (yep im crying now hahahaha kk). im thankful for everything that happened that night.
moving on, my sister got married as well. again, i had mixed feelings looking at her, looking extra beautiful than she already is. i was honestly not doing mentally okay that whole week but i forced myself cause i didnt want to spoil the mood. not gonna lie but last few days before the wedding were so exhausting. but it was all worth it. on the solemnisation day, i felt sad somehow when i saw my dad nikahkan my sister. she was very pretty and everyone was happy. it feels good to see everyone reunited after so long. but the most important thing is that im happy looking at her. i wish mom was there to see it too. but again, i know somewhere up there or down below, she's watching us too :) the wedding was quite emotional but surprisingly none of my family (my dad, my brother and I) cried so yay we're strong yall hahahaha jks.
so it has been about my brother and my sister. and i think this is one of the biggest highlight of my whole entire life as well. definitely. i wont tell much but i managed to open up to my dad. it was so scary. i was terrified but hey i made it. i get emotional whenever i think of it too (yep still crying haha) and the outcome still make me cry. but alhamdulillah, it happened. god knows how long ive been keeping all of this from him. and to finally let it out, it feels good. i felt relieved and i dont feel bad for lying to him anymore.
it was a very emotional month for me, like i said earlier. there were dark days even after the confession. i was honestly frustrated and disappointed cause i thought things would get better after the confession. but hey, that's life. haha okay moving on, the thoughts have gone wild every day and i had breakdown every single night. the amount of meds has increased ever since, and lots of money were spent on the continuous appointments. i was more sad because i thought i could celebrate my birthday differently this year, given that i was doing better compared to last year. but yea, things happened.
the day before my birthday, my family and I went to visit one of my mom's best friend. we went over to her place for dinner. it was nice, and it made me miss my mom even more. not in a bad way though, i actually felt very happy that i got to see her. and on the same night, all the feels came and my mind was full of destructive thoughts. hence, explains the earlier blogpost. i wasnt feeling myself on my birthday. i was not in the mood and i was tired. i didnt want to go out honestly because i kind of lose hope. i felt like everything is just the same as last year's. i almost cancelled my own birthday dinner but i decided not to when i saw my brother getting ready and styling his hair haha.
luckily i didnt cancel it. because they threw a surprise birthday party for me. i was super shocked and i was shaking that time. i went inside the restaurant and saw familiar faces. i was speechless and started crying. i was very sensitive and i cried most of the time haha. it was nice to see everyone there, esp when you feel like you're alone and fighting yourself alone. because that night made me think that im not in this alone. i am super blessed and thankful for having an amazing support system (k im tired of crying honestly).
so yea i guess this is the longest post so far. even though it was rough month for me, but i am thankful for everything that happened. a lot of tears were shed but it was all worth it. this month really means a lot to me because it reminds me of how much ive grown up to be. and all the progress that ive made. i know words cant describe how i actually feel but god knows, and thats more than enough.
to those who have made it happen, thank you so much for being here by my side. thank you for believing in me when i dont. thank you for staying. i love you.
to mak, i hope you are happy looking at your youngest child :)
