あ

hi, i'm not sure why am i posting this but if this could at least give you an idea of what's inside my mind, then feel free to continue reading it. 

i may have said this before (and you are probably tired of it) but i hate feeling numb. i feel like i'm too sad that i couldn't bring myself to feel happy at all. sure, i may still be able to laugh but deep down, i feel so shitty about myself.

dealing with this is never easy. like i said, i have been doubting myself for quite some times now and the thought still lingers. sometimes it's bearable and most of the time it's really wild. and for now, i have came to that phase where i'm starting to doubt people. esp those that i'm close with.

i dont know how can i describe to you how tiring it is to doubt everyone else. i constantly need reassurance from people and yet, it's still not enough. i have been texting my friends saying that i got better because i actually thought i was doing fine. little did i know that i will text them again on the next day, crying while saying that im losing hope again.

the cycle is still the same. i am really really tired of crying myself to sleep, every single night. maybe i dont deserve to be happy at all. and because of this, i feel bad for my family and friends, because i'm not progressing. it saddens me because i know that it is such a disappointment to know that i'm not progressing and still stuck in the same dark place. because i, am disappointed with myself too.

i wish today will be a better day for me. i wish i can feel happy and content, even if it's for awhile. i want to feel lighter, i want this pain to go away. i wish i dont have to cry myself to sleep. i want to get better, i really do. 

happy 21st birthday, dear self. 

might need to take a break for awhile from posting my monthly pictures, and just, let all this out. 

to be constantly sad and disappointed with yourself is really tiring. to always self-doubt and doubting people are exhausting. to lose hope is the last thing i want, and i am slowly losing it. or probably, have already lost it.

two months and there's still no progress. waking up everyday and asking myself "when will this be over" is like a question you ask yourself "what to eat later". nighttime is the scariest. it is dark and lonely. mind is filled with wild and terrifying  thoughts. i am too scared to sleep so i usually stay awake until 7am and rest.  

my social life has gotten bad. i constantly cancel my plans that i look forward to. and whenever i go out, i get tired easily. if only i could just go and leave this place and start something new. to take a breather is all i need right now. 

so much things going on in my mind and i don't know how to reach out anymore. and when i open up, i don't feel the satisfaction, because this heart of mine is too heavy. what makes me really sad is the fact that i can't express myself whenever i'm with someone that i'm comfortable with. the tears won't come out and i will feel numb, because that's all i could feel now. 

i don't feel loved and i don't deserve to be loved. i feel disgusted with myself and will look away whenever i see my reflection. i did not ask this. it's really sad to think that suicide is already an option. it is scary. 

i might delete this later but for now, i'm going to leave it here. because this, is my safe place.