i wish one day i could wake up, feeling happy and have tons of reasons to look forward to the day. i hope i don't have to force myself to think all the positive things, just to make me get up from my bed. i wish i could stop saying things like 'its gonna be okay' 'all you have to do is pretend' 'another tough day' whenever i look myself in the mirror. i wish i don't have to listen to happy songs before i go to class, just to cheer up my mood and not ruin others'. i wish i could be as happy and carefree as my friends, though i know they have their own struggles too.
i wish they would stop asking me 'are you okay?' 'are you not gonna eat?' or 'you look tired' every single day. that doesn't make me feel any better, in fact, it makes me feel even worse. i wish they could just understand everything, without me trying to explain because honestly, i would never know how to explain this to anyone.
it sucks when i don't feel any better/happy when i do something that i used to love to. including writing.
i used to love it when people send me long texts. but now, i feel different. as much as i appreciate those long texts, i feel like it's a sign for me that I'm not doing better, cause people notice it. it used to make me feel better, but now, i will end up crying and questioning myself what actually went wrong.
i don't want to be bad again. I've been into the darkest road and i swear it was the worst.
at the end of the day, they will say 'its okay, it takes time' 'you'll get trough it' and honestly i really doubt it because at this point, i don't think I'm progressing or moving forward at all.
i know i need to do something. i need to change this. but i am not ready. so please stop pushing/forcing me to do it. i will definitely do it when I'm ready. that's for sure.