i hate this feeling where i cant bring myself to be nice to you bcs i will end up regretting my actions and beat myself up for doing that. why is it so hard to be nice? why do i always feel the heat on the back of my head whenever i look at your face or just be in the same room as you. i cant hide my expressions whenever someone bring up your name and tell me the good things you did. idk why im so annoyed with every thing you do.
truth is, i dont even want to feel this way anymore. it sucks, big time. i did try to control myself and give you (multiple) chances and yet, you betrayed that too. for every time i was affected by you, i took my time to get up on my feet again and yet, that was not enough, each time i tried to connect with you, you did something that'd disappoint me even more. i've come to a point where i think all of this is useless. because it'll be the same cycle, until you decide to stop with all of this and change yourself. ive done countless thinking and some reflections as why do i still feel shitty and nothing seems right in this house. i tried to think of the consequences of my actions, that would def affect myself, my mental health and my future. i dont wanna be a bad person, but i can only do so much.
the constant betrayal and lies have affected the hell out of me. i dont know how to trust again and i dont know who should i look up to. and the voices keep telling me that it's my fault. i constantly think of the "why"s and i still try to find good reasons for everything you did. the rage and anger are not making this easier. ive been wanting to express it in an unhealthy way again. this jaw and knuckles are dying to do its job again. but in my sane mind, im trying my best to control myself. god knows i do.
people said i deserve to feel this way. i have the right to. because deep down, i know that im deeply hurt and disappointed with everything. idk what im gonna do to fix this, but if cutting my rship with you can help, i'd do it. in fact, thats what im doing now.
i keep telling myself that it's not my fault. you chose to betray, you chose to lie and you chose to walk away. im done blaming myself for everything that happened. im tired of being constantly inconsistent.
i miss you as someone i could look up to. i long for your love and care. i miss being protected by you bcs now im doing it all alone. i feel so disconnected and all i ask is some courage and little hope to go through this.
