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decided to write here instead of my journal. seeing almost everyone recapping how their year went and reading what some of them shared with me make me sad. well, maybe sad is not the word to explain what i'm feeling. it's more like touched? proud? it's a mix of those two definitely. 

spent some time with myself to do some reflection. it seems that this year is indeed, a year of growth for me. growth in my career, my mental and physical health, and not to forget my emotional and spiritual side as well. one thing i do notice significantly is that my low days are definitely lesser than last year's. ofc, i still had it and when it was low, it really was. but somehow, i can understand myself better now and i move on faster, if that makes sense. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i don't dwell on things for too long. maybe i'm at the age where i can think rationally rather than react immediately. i'm glad to be where i am now and i thank it all to Him. 

few days ago i stumbled upon my old pictures from 2015 - 2018 and the first thought that i had was "wow, i was so young and naive". not in a bad way though. and it made me think that when i was 18 - 21 years old, i used to focus on one thing (read: problem) and treat it as the biggest world problem. maybe back then, it was my biggest world problem and i'm not blaming or belittle my younger self at all. it then made me think how 'matured' i am now and when i said that, i meant the way i think (clearly because i don't always behave how i'm expected to lol). 

it's always those feelings that you get when you look at old pictures. i somehow feel sorry for my younger self because at that time, she was having a hard time and indeed, she was trying her best to figure things out on her own. and then comes the next feeling; proud. proud of what and how she had gone through those obstacles in life. proud of how strong she was and is trying to be. 

and as always, i like to list down my high/lowlights for the year, as well as my growth and resolution. i can only share a few here as it's a bit too personal for me to share everything here. i guess one of the highlights is that i actually manage to achieve my goals and see myself as the person that i always dreamt of. i still have a lot to learn but i think i deserve a pat on my shoulder for this. and as for my lowlights, i remember how badly affected i was when i was scolded for something that i did not do or may have done it wrongly. i also challenged myself to change my perspective towards people and i struggled. it was not easy but i don't regret that. as for growth, like i mentioned earlier; i feel like i'm a calmer person and i don't sweat on small stuffs anymore. or at least, i try not to. i can handle my emotions better but i'm still learning everyday. and lastly, i hope and i'm praying hard that i get to keep this momentum next year and ideally, to improve and a better person. i also want to try to mend my broken relationships. although not all, but i do know a few that i still want to try and fix. 

let's take a step back and look at 2021 as a whole. it was definitely a tough year; being on and off with the lockdown, the flood, having a bunch of clowns to govern the country, financial crisis, and the list goes on. i remember how sad and terribly affected i was during the lockdown in june because people shared their stories on twitter- barely had anything to survive. despite it all, it's really touching to see our society went all out to help each other, unlike those who are responsible for it. i guess that's the silver lining. 

well this is such a long post lmao anyways i hope that 2021 was good to you. even if it wasn't a good year, it's okay. we'll try again next year. praying hard that 2022 will be good to you and your loved ones. take care always xx

hi there, it's been awhile. 

i was just scrolling through my old blog posts and also my drafts. wow, that was a lot to take in. i hope you are doing well as you read this post. as usual, i don't know why am i here but i feel like writing & keep a post for my future *older* self. 

life is alright, i guess? quite a lot of things have changed from the last time i updated this blog, but some part of life remains the same. i'm having a fever as i'm writing this as i just got my booster shot for my vaccine two days ago. ah yes, we still do that now - and most probably still have to do it in the future; god knows. 

to be honest with you, i'm quite overwhelmed with things in my life now. not sure if it's a good or bad thing. it's one of the feelings/days where you feel your heart might burst anytime - but you don't know whether it's happiness, stress, or just a random feeling. so whenever i feel this way, i write. and today, i chose to write my feelings here, prolly because i'm just to lazy to physically write it in my journal. 

hey future me, if you're reading this i just want to let you know that adulting is hard and sucks huh. like why are there so many things for us to handle and think? the thing is that we aren't even prepped for this or there isn't any guide hah starts laughing and crying. one thing that could somehow ease my heart is that at some point, everyone faces the same thing as we both do (yes, i'm still talking to you future self). 

and as much as i'm curious as how the future is going to be, i'm honestly scared of losing what i have now. losing the people i love, my cats, my phone or other devices, and myself. because if i don't take care of these properly, one day i might and will lose them. 

let's talk about family. my siblings and i are doing alright now. it's tough, but we are coping. whatever that happened last time or still happening even now, still affects us in our own way. but i'm eternally grateful to have both my sister and brother & i wish they feel the same too. like i said before, i can always cry whenever i start talking about my siblings. so let's not do that now yeah. as for my dad, he is doing physically well, alhamdulillah. but it saddens me to see how he is growing older and older everyday. i guess that is what i'm scared of. god knows how hard i'm trying to appreciate these moments, He knows. as for my mak, i haven't met or seen her in my dreams for awhile now. but she's always in my thoughts and prayers everyday without fail. praying hard that you are doing well over there, mak. we miss you as always. 

so about my cats, bella and luna - the girls are doing fine. they are slowly appreciating each other's presence and have better relationship now #girls. one thing for sure luna is such a control freak and gets jealous way too easily (totally not like her eomma, eh?). and bella being bella, still with her tough love. still, i love them girls equally. & let's not talk about my phone or any other devices alright. because i don't want to have any sudden problems with them - they better not be giving me one. let's just stay with how things are now #agreed. 

and lastly, about myself (much narcissistic, kidding). i honestly haven't been giving myself much credit for what i've done for the past month(s). i think i'm too focused on 'adulting' that i sometimes neglect my own emotions. but i think i'm doing alright. i feel like i am. except for my back - that is a major problem. i can't wait for my long break next month so i can treat myself yay! but on a serious note, i'm still learning how to be nice to myself. it's going somewhere but just not there yet. slowly taking one step at a time, yes?

to the future me, i hope life is treating you good too. we survived tough days before, and i'm surviving tough days now. i hope you'll surviving tough days that will come too. be nice to yourself always. 

may god bless. take care. 

january 2021 will come to its end, in less than two hours as I'm typing this. how's 2021 so far? well, if you live here in Malaysia, i think you are also feeling anxious looking at the covid cases for the past few days. frustrated, scared, uncertain- i totally get you. at this point we don't know if what we are doing now is right, because certainly it does not feel like it. 

covid aside, how's life? i hope it has been good for you, or that you are coping well. during this tough time i understand that it's hard to cope or to escape. i truly truly hope this will be over soon. or we find ways on how to cope better. hopefully. 

i started off the year with more responsibilities and pressure (that i put on myself). i am currently leading my own team at my workplace now. although it is a small team, but the pressure and responsibilities are there. it's something refreshing yet quite challenging at first. i'm so used to be a team player previously that i sometimes still have my own buffer time to process these new things and position. i remember i had a very bad week where i was constantly drained from work. i had few stuffs that were bothering me and those have affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. but alhamdulillah, all is well now. i'm thankful to be given that kind of learning opportunity/experience to prep me for the future. i used to have mixed feelings and find it hard to work with this new team, but i trust in Him and myself. slowly, god made it easy for me (& still is), and i can see things way more clearly now. 

due to work and me getting busy, i didn't have much time to sit down and write in my journal. well, not as much as i did in previous years. so earlier today, i finally sat down and changed the layout/concept of my 2021 journal. instead of writing daily/weekly, i will do it monthly now. if i have the time, ofc i can write more. but as for january, i only get to write one entry- which yes, i wrote it today itself lol. looking forward to writing more and decorate my journal (well, we'll see how that goes in the net few months). 

and personally, i had few breakdowns this month which i'm sure it was due to my fragile state and the stress from work. but somehow it felt weirdly satisfying to be able to cry? although it took my quite a long time to finally let it all out (this is something new for a cry baby like me). it got me thinking whether i was holding it back all this time? but when i thought of it again, all this while i was fine- at leas thats what i thought. it's okay, i don't want to think too much about it. whatever it is, at least i was happy and i (hope) didn't repress anything. i haven't consumed my meds for almost seven months now. damn, now that is something i am truly proud of. i know healing isn't linear but i hope it stays this way. 

i guess the main reason why i'm writing now is because i want to keep a reminder for my future self. during that week of me being vulnerable and fragile, my dear friend/colleague reminded me to take one step at a time. for the longest time, i've been telling people the same quote without truly understand what does it mean by that (mainly because i forgot how deep it is). and when i received that, my heart ached because i was doing the opposite. i pressured myself too much, thinking that i have to be perfect or knowledgable or else people are going to judge. to think that i have to do things perfectly without doing any mistakes, it was tiring. and i did all of these unconsciously and yes, unconsciously, i let it consume me. i'm super glad and thankful that someone reminded me of this because truly, i can only do so much. i'm not a robot, i have my time too. to take it one step at a time and not rush things- are very very important. because just like Jordin said, things will happen when it's supposed to. so why sweat on it so much when you've already done your best? 

so to the future me, please comprehend the lyrics next time you sing this song, okay? 

and to you, take it one step at a time too. may god bless.