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i wasn't feeling myself today but i had to pretend that everything is fine. at least, in front of my family. i took a long shower and i could hear my family was busy preparing something in the kitchen. they were cooking dinner and i really wanted to be inside my room, but i thought that's just too selfish of me. 

so i stayed and did nothing while they were busy with their stuff. i did not know what to do and what to help cause everything was under control. i sat there and looked at the situation; mekna was preparing the chicken, amirul was picking some onions and shallots from the rack and dad was helping to cook rice for us. the kitchen was pretty chaotic cause everyone went here and there. and i was clueless, and did not even realise that i teared up. for a moment i imagine and hoped that you were there, scolding us for being too kalut and clumsy in your kitchen. 

all the memories that we had while cooking in the kitchen came across my mind. and that made me realise, how hard it must be for you to handle everything by yourself. most of the time you were alone in the kitchen to prepare food for us. we were too busy with our own work and stuff that we forgot to help you. we are sorry. i, am sorry. i wish i could apologise and thank you now.

i miss you and your presence in your kitchen. and of course, i miss your cooking. a lot. 

30 minutes ago i was doing completely fine. and now, it's a total chaos.  

So at 2am Yasmin asked me to grab breakfast in the morning together since we both kinda want to be more productive. Since I'm on my mid-semester break now, why not right? Even though I'm a no-breakfast kind of person lol. 

We were supposed to go out at 9.30am but we both slept quite late so instead of having breakfast, we had brunch haha. We chose Le Petit Dotty's in KL since both of us haven't been here. It's more chill compared to the one in TTDI and nearer to our place too.

Since it was the first time for both of us going here, of course we would... get lost.... right...? Lol funny how both of us are from KL and yet we are still not familiar with some of the places haha but hey you can't expect us to know and remember everything in KL! (right..?) 



This is what we ordered. Unfortunately we didn't get to try their famous salted egg yolk cronut (that's what you get for waking up late hahaha). To me the food was okay, nothing impressive honestly. They don't really have a lot of options in their menu since their speciality is their pastries. We wanted to get some but both of us were too full so we didn't get any. 

One of the reason to why we chose this place is because we (read: I) wanted to take nice pictures. It's been a long time since the last time I took food flat lays and I actually stood up to take these pictures lol A+ for effort. *pats self*

We had a really nice conversation and I really like the vibe here. We went on a public holiday but it wasn't packed at all. There were few people here and there but it wasn't noisy at all. The cafe has clear glass mirrors so the natural light will always be there for you to take nice pictures or selfies. 





Yea that was me, attempting to behave normally to take a "proper and decent" pictures. 

And we really like the decoration too! I love the tiles behind me and the colours match really well. Definitely gonna come here again (hopefully I'll be able to wake up earlier lol)








A very cute girl spotted, please zoom into her face to get your dose of happiness. (ps: I'm not talking about Yasmin)




Here are the mandatory pictures, of course haha. Even though it was short and simple lunch, but I really had fun. Do come here if you're looking for a place to have a chill breakfast in the middle of KL! Thank you min :) 

sometimes i really feel that my life is so sad. and right now is definitely one of those times.

i thought i was doing better, and in fact i really was. i felt happy for awhile and i thought i can manage it this time. i was able to see things in a positive way. my day wasn't as gloomy as before and i actually noticed the sun, and i liked it. 

but not until the monster inside me decided to take control of everything, and not until the dog starts to bark. and this time, it surely barks louder than the previous ones. 

and now, i'm falling again. alone.

it sucks, it really sucks. been trying to let it out but i can't. not that i chose to keep it all inside, no, that's not the case. it's really sad to keep hoping on someone/something to make you feel better. and when things don't turn out the way you wanted it to be, you'll get frustrated. and you fall even deeper. 

i'm tired of hoping. i'm tired of expecting things that i know it will never happen. and i'm slowly losing hope in myself. i don't see the good anymore. 

whats even worse is when i tried to open up, the person chose to close their ears and pretend that nothing happened. and now, i keep on putting more bricks to the wall and the wall is rising higher. i swore to myself that i will never try to tell you again, ever.

out of all the things that made me feel this way right now is, the fact that you've stopped showing up in my dreams. i know this may sound ridiculous, but i am one of those people that would get affected by dreams. the last time i saw you was on the last day i felt happy and content, and i never see you ever since then. it made me think, are you sad to look at me in this situation? i know you are. and thats why i am so, terribly sorry. i don't want you to look at me in this situation but i really hope you'd show up again. because god knows how much it'd impact me if i could see your face. though it's only in dreams, thats the best i could get. 

and now, i really do feel lonely. the fact that you're no longer here and you've stooped showing up, makes me feel like i really am facing this alone. and i feel betrayed for countless times by those who i really trust. not gonna lie, it is tough and i wonder why am i still here. and for the others, i really hope they would spare their precious time for me, only for this one time. i may sound desperate, because i really am. 

i don't really reach out to people but i surely know how suck it is when you tried to reach out and called people to ask for help, but no one answered. and when they do, it's already too late. and that's what happened or perhaps, still happening. but when i do reach out, you know how bad the situation is. 

and i, am reaching out now.

i'm sorry.

feeling so anxious and scared right now. i am not sure whether i could handle it well. thinking that i'll be meeting people again makes me feel so anxious. i wish i could just stay in my room and not meeting people at all.  

get well soon, dear self.

i dedicate this post to the ones who have always been there for me. i'm sorry i can't afford to tell you this in person. if you know me well, you'd know that i express myself better through words.

i thank god everyday for your presence in my life, and i am really glad that our paths crossed. though i only know some of you more or less than a year, but that doesn't really matter for me. no matter how long we have known each other, i would still appreciate you.

i won't say who these people are because you know who you are to me. the reason why i'm doing this is because i think you deserve to know how special each and everyone of you to me.


i don't know if you have a superpower or something, but each and everyone of you came to me at the right time. though i know i have to thank Him for sending you to help me go through this. i have to admit that i have pushed you away, at some point. but you came back to me even when i treated you horribly. now that i think about it, do i really deserve someone like you? cause honestly i don't. and here, i want to apologise for not being there for you whenever you need someone to help. sometimes i really feel like i'm useless and i don't think i'm treating you the same way as you're treating me. i'm sorry but i'm still working on that.

to these people whom i always choose to be with,

i want you to know that i would never trade you for anything or anyone. you know you are special to me if i asked you to go to a park or a night drives to see all the pretty lights or views; those places where i usually have my breakdowns at. congrats, you have made to the highest stage because it surely is not easy for me to do this to someone. 

i know that you have seen the good and bad sides of me and i want to thank you for staying with me, no matter what my condition is. thank you for entertaining me and laugh to my most stupid and lame jokes. thank you for being there for me when i cried unexpectedly. i know that it must have been hard for you, so again, thank you.

thank you so much for being patient whenever you're with me. i know my mood can change drastically and i'm truly sorry for not being able to control my emotions most of the time. thank you for understanding the silence; to think that it is okay to stay silent in car rides and appreciate the music/ride. also thank you for following me no matter where i go, though i don't really know where to go most of the time. its just that i want to be with you, that is all. also, thank you for always believe in me and hold my hand when i'm trying to pick myself up again.

maybe to you, i am not that important as how you are to me. i'm not forcing or expecting you to feel he same way to me too. but honestly, i can't imagine how my life would be without you. believe me, i've tried so many times and so many ways to avoid you because i don't want to get attached. why? because attachment sucks and i don't want to be dependent on you. though i do know that you have your own life too, and i respect that. i can't be selfish all the time right?

honestly, every time we go to a park/drive up on a hill, i really wish i could stop the time, so that i can be with you a little bit longer. god knows how blessed i am when the lights reflected on you face. and fyi, each and every one of you has your own song that will automatically reminds me of you. those songs can be the one that we played and listened in our car rides, the one that we sang at the karaoke, the one that we listened when we were eating in the mall; it can be very random but i remember it vividly. so every time i listen to those songs, it will remind me how blessed i am to have you. i pray that god will always bless you and bring happiness to you, because you're definitely a blessing to me.



for some reason, i know that this will bring so much pain to me. the pain of longing and missing someone like you, i'm surely gonna miss you once i leave. thats for sure.

deep down, i am actually scared of what the future holds. things might change, right? though i might be able to imagine all the possibilities of bad things that could happen in the future, i refuse to think about it. if things are really going to be different, at least you were part of my good, precious memories.

though i said i express myself better through words, i may not be able to fully express myself here. let god be the only one who knows how blessed i am to have you in my life. i really hope this friendship lasts forever; through thick and thin. like i said, each and everyone of you were there for me when i was at my lowest and you were also there when i was happy and content. i truly appreciate all the things that you have done to me, i really do. 



i may never say this to you in person, but i want you to know that i love you, not for the things that you have done to me; but for being who you truly are when you're with me. you have a really beautiful soul, and you are important to me, remember that. and i want to keep you forever. heres to more countless night drives and park adventures. 

and lastly, do know that we are in this journey, together. thank you for being you. 

may god bless.

i thought the beast in me has gone. but it came back, stronger than before.

why can't i control myself better? i really feel bad for my friends, for dealing with a person like me. last week was probably the worst. i got an attack in the middle of a lecture and it was only the first lecture of the week. i tried to control my emotions, i really did. i kept on telling them i need to go to toilet, so that i can cry. but by doing so, i actually attracted their attention and i really hate that. god knows how much i wanted to join their conversation, but i can't. because i can guarantee i'd messed it up. so i stayed quiet. 

most of the day i would force myself to eat when I'm with my friends. just to make them stop asking me why am i not eating and stuffs. its hard cause my body won't accept the food that I'm eating, which is why i always feel like throwing up every single time. it'd be a huge achievement if i manage to finish all my food when I'm with them. even when i do that, people will still ask 'why do you eat so little?' 'is that even a proper meal?' and i would just smile at them. its okay, maybe they don't know how it feels. its okay.

i don't want this to affect my studies. nowadays i can't even focus a thing in class. i will always get distracted no matter how much i tried not to. i hate the fact that I'm not participating in class. when my tutor asked the whole class a question, i really want to answer it. but most of the time my brain isn't there and i lost my focus. it takes me awhile to truly understand something. I've never been this slow. it affects my performance in class, and also the quality of my assignments. last week i cried every day while repeatedly reading the question of my assignment. because i don't understand anything. and to see all my friends doing their assignments and to see them studying really makes me feel sad. i feel sad because i used to be like that too. 

my health isn't doing any better too. last week i skipped a lecture and a tutorial because i don't have the energy at all. i didnt even get to check my phone. i was really drained and weak. one day, i forced myself to go to uni, cause for me, uni is a distraction since i can't stay at home for a long time. i literally had no energy to drive but i managed to. i thought i'd feel better if i go to uni and meet my friends. but that day, things got worse. it broke my heart when i saw their expressions after they looked at my face. i know they are worried, but it didnt help me to feel any better. and i felt useless when I'm with them, cause i just sat there and didnt say anything. and sometimes i would just walk away cause i need my space. and i fucking hate to do that because i know its rude to suddenly leave the conversation. but I'm sorry, i can't help it. I'm trying to fix that. 

i also had a group presentation last week and to be really honest, i didnt want to go at all. but i forced myself because i don't want to be selfish and leave my friends behind. i wasn't at my best state of mind when i was presenting, and i didnt get a good marks for that. but i think i deserve that.

i'm tired of crying over the same reasons every single night. sometimes i had no reason to cry at all, it just happened. most of the time I'm scared to feel happy cause I'm so used to feel like this all the time. and because i know that something bad is going to happen whenever i feel happy. just like last night. i was really happy and it has been awhile since the last time i felt that. and i ended up crying and had another breakdown. and the cycle goes on and on everyday. but i guess its a good thing for me to cry? cause i'd feel tired after that and i could at least get some rest. yea, very pathetic. i know.

despite all the bad things and the sadness, i am very happy to see how my friends have been doing. they are doing so much better than before and i have to admit, i am so proud of them. because i know it is not easy for them either. everyone has their own struggles and i salute their strength and willingness to happily go to class and do their normal routines like a normal person. i am inspired and i aspire to be as strong as them too. hopefully soon.

another thing that i hate about myself is, i find it really hard for me to talk to someone. i swear most of the time i really want to talk and open up to someone that I'm comfortable with. but my mind always tell me that this is just a small matter and i can handle it by myself. which is why i refuse to seek professional help, for now. i know i should do that asap but idk. i just want that aimless conversation with someone that i really want to talk to, without trying so hard to actually make a conversation. i wish they would do that because honestly I'm tired of trying. ugh why is this so complicated. 

tell me how to get better again? 

it sucks to be independent. it sucks to hold it all up inside, alone. it sucks to feel that I'm always alone despite the number of people saying that I'm not. it sucks cause i don't know how to express this. it sucks to know that I'm really desperate. it sucks to face the reality that I'm living in. it sucks that the happiness is only temporary. it sucks to know that i'd still cry myself to sleep no matter how much i tried not to. it sucks to push away the people that i used to be close with. it sucks to be writing this and knowing the fact that people will still judge.

at time like this i really wish you were here with me, to comfort me, and to tell me that everything's gonna be alright. to tell me that this pain will go away, soon enough without me knowing. i wish you were here to tell me its okay to cry and i also want you to tell me to stop crying and hurting myself. i wish you could at least tell me how to make things better and to make everyone happy again. i wish you'd never leave cause that would change everything.

sadly, you left. leaving me in this cruel world, alone.