for the longest time, i asked myself "is it all my fault?"
trust me i've asked myself this question countless times. and maybe you once did too. some days i told myself that it's not; because life just, happens? and on other days i'd beat myself up because i convinced myself that it is my own fault.
i rarely ask people this question, because i know they'd say it's not. idk, sometimes i just feel that people lies and they're saying that for the sake of it.
imagine being in this situation where you have been asking yourself the same exact question everyday, and you've tried so hard to not believe in everything that your mind says. and you've tried your best to believe in other people, who may truly see you as a completely different person than who you think you are. and you actually believed that. so you're like, happy and relieved cause at least you have something to hold on. but imagine, someone told you that it is your fault. and that someone happens to be the person that you look up to in your whole entire life.
you'll feel like your whole life has been a lie. all this while, when you thought you're innocent and you're able to have hope again, -only to know that it doesn't last long and fake.
man, this surely hurts a lot.
to whoever that still reads this blog, thank you. i hope you are doing fine and hopefully life is treating you well.
things are getting tough again. i thought i've already got a hold in my own life, but it's the other way around. remember i once (read: a lot of times) told that i want to give up? apparently i made it through and i thought that was the toughest thing i had to go through for awhile, so i deserve a break from life, right?
little did i know what's ahead of me.
i am sad looking at myself, i am no longer able to open up and talk about my problems or what's going on inside my head. my words are all over the place, i can't even make a simple sentence without having to think of it at least twice. i can't put my thoughts into words anymore. remembering things have never been this hard. i'm sad because i know i wasn't like this last time.
i keep on thinking that this is all my fault. i wish i could stop being too hard on myself, because that's what people have been telling me. i feel like i've failed in so many things. sometimes i really don't feel like myself anymore, heck, i don't even know who i am now.
people said that God wouldn't put me in any situations that i can't handle. i'm in no way blaming God for what happened. but i have to admit, i want to know the reasons behind all of this so badly. it's like, life has been hitting me one after another. and it can get tiring sometimes.
it's really frustrating how you always try your best to get up and be a better person, but yet you keep on falling. it's so exhausting, you don't wanna get up anymore. you just want to sit and maybe even lie down until you're ready again. but i guess that's not how life works.
"keep blooming, flower" is what people told me. but they forgot that flowers do wilt too.
i still blame myself for what happened before. maybe i'm not good enough for anything; for my family and friends. it saddens me to see my conditions right now because i truly feel helpless. i've tried almost everything to make things better, and yet i still fall again and again.
why cant i shut these thoughts easily? why do i have to face the same thing all over again. at this point i no longer feel tired of it because it has become a routine. it's the same cycle everyday. every morning when i wake up, i always try to look forward to that day and try to plan something for myself, or even for someone else -basically anything as long as i dont have to be alone with my own thoughts. and at night i will always make myself feel tired and every time i take my pills, i always hope that it'd do its magic work and make me feel sleepy so that i can just go straight to bed without having to overthink and feeling anxious about the future.
reading, colouring, all those stuff do not bring joy to me anymore and that sucks because now i constantly have to think of other distractions. even going out doesn't help as much. oh god, what do i really want in this life, really?
probably i just want it to be over.
i miss london. a lot.
a lot of things happened when i was there eight months ago. if i had the chance, would i still go there again even if i know it might trigger me again?
definitely yes.
i dont know, as bad as how things were before, london still has a special place in my heart. it gives me peace and being there makes me appreciate life even more. the parks there are a few of my safe places. and what makes me love london more is the fact that i've had bad experience(s) there, which makes me realise that london is not always a 'fantasy-or-heaven-on-earth' kind of place. which i think is fair, at least people wouldn't think that im too biased just because everything is "perfect" there.
but i am not gonna lie that at one point, i hated london so so much. i hated it till i reached the point where i didn't even want to think about it anymore. i was so desperate, wanting to fly back to malaysia and just be away from it. i've faced a few situations where i was discriminated for the way i dress and prolly for my religion too. and that's okay because i learned a lot from that.
idk what im writing honestly but bottom line is, i miss london and the safe places there. i just miss sitting under the big trees and listen to good musics while reading some books or colouring. i miss my costa coffee and hot chocolate too tsk. take me back pleaseeeeee
