あ

//

empty.

i know when the episode kicks in, i tend to feel empty and lonely. but this time, it feels different.

literally everyone i know/used to know has someone else to be with now. it has been 7 days since i got here and it gets more and more tiring everyday. to suppress my feelings, to occupy myself, to find distractions; it's exhausting. 

i know if i tell this to them, they will say they're not leaving me behind and all that shit. but for once, i wish they know and understand the pain i'm bearing now. i honestly am scared to let anyone know because i don't want to put myself down. i don't want to be hurt and disappointed. i've had enough.

i wish some things didn't change. it breaks me every time i think of how i used to have a small number of people that i trust to count on and in a blink of an eye, everything's gone. it breaks me how i used to tell these people my own problem but now, they are the problem. i literally have no one to reach out to. trust me, i really don't. i don't want to be another burden. i've caused so much trouble before.

even if i choose to reach out, the demons will find its way to make things worse. 

i wish i could go somewhere far away and just leave everything behind. i wanna go to a place where no one knows me and no one could find me. but that seems impossible. all i can do is just leave. 

walk away

why do people always break their own promises? 

due to my past experience(s), i always have trust issues with everyone. i honestly don't trust someone 100% but once i trust them, i really really really do. and when that happens, i will end up getting hurt. trust can be so fragile. especially when they know how hard it is for you to do that, and when they earn your trust, they throw it away just like that. and what saddens me the most is that the people who did all of this, they mean so much to me. and they know it well how much i value trust. i have way too many scars from this. it sucks because you hate them for doing that but yet you still have a soft spot for them. because it's not easy to throw them away, not as easy as how they threw me away.

one can tell you that they'll stay by your side through everything, and yet they chose to leave. one can tell you that they care for you and yet they act like you never existed. one can say that they love you and yet they turned their back on you. 

sometimes i feel like i'm the problematic one. because it seems like everyone else doesn't have the same issue. well maybe i am the problematic one after all. maybe i care too much, and i wish i don't.

truth be told, those who are closest to you can be the meanest people. they know your weaknesses and they can use it against you. trust me, having trust issues isn't easy at all. you will keep on doubting and doubting. it sucks because you didn't even ask for it. 

oh well, shit happens. always have, always will - it's a hard pill to swallow.

09

***

was still unstable, plus the fact that i feel sick doesn't really help either. i got my first attack at a museum and it was really terrible. i remember i was alone and i cried at the stairs right in front of Trafalgar Square. people was looking and some of them did ask me if i was okay. i guess that was when the thought of me being alone in a foreign country hit me. i still remember how bad i was shaking and texted my friends at the same time. glad that i pulled it thru though. also, celebrated mom's birthday at Hyde Park and it was such a beautiful day. it was so sunny so the park was pretty crowded. luckily i found a spot and sat under a big tree for a couple hours. it did feel like you were there with me too, honestly. went home with a smile on my face, of course after all those crying sessions in public lol. 

also, there were a few times when i felt shitty because i couldn't be physically there for my friends. it does suck though. and of course, this was when i thought distance could make us stronger. lol. nevertheless, 'twas a good time. 

a letter to my parents

i haven't been feeling myself and i've been having second thoughts for the longest time now. judge me, if you want. & at times like this, the only thing i could think of is my parents. i know they might not be able to read this personally. but that's okay, as long as god knows, that's good enough.

to mak & ayah,

i know i shouldn't say this but i am terribly sorry for becoming the person i am now. i am sorry for being a disappointment. i am sorry for always doubting myself and couldn't see the good in me. i am sorry that your daughter is suffering from mental illness. i am sorry for using all your money to spend on medications and therapies, where you could've used it somewhere else. i am sorry that my journey isn't the same as others. i am sorry that i turned out like this.

everyday i wake up, wishing that i have a different life. the life that is normal. though i know that is impossible. i am slowly accepting the fact that i am different but it's definitely a lie if i say that this is easy. "oh, i can't compare myself with others because everyone else is different" sure, theres a truth in that but it's not as simple. you can't just snap everything and move on. it is not that easy. trust me, there's not a single day that i don't ask myself "why am i like this". 

deep down, i just want to be the best version of myself in your eyes. i want to make you proud, happy and content. i don't have anything to offer yet but do know, i am battling with myself to give you the best. and in my right state of mind, i know i still want to fight my way for both of you. i may not be the most bright and brilliant student, or the most obedient child, but i am trying, because i want to.

both of you have given us, your children the best education that we could've ever asked for. you taught us well. you taught us almost everything; except that you didn't teach us how to live and survive when you're gone. but that's okay, we are still figuring that out. 

it breaks me and it saddens me to see myself in this condition now where all i want is to just make you happy. but i guess that is still too much to ask for. i know that it breaks your heart too to see me like this. though none of you have seen me in this condition (or probably mom has), i truly hope that it won't happen. 

i don't know what the future holds but i do hope and pray that things will get better. i hope that one day i can make you proud. although i know i can never repay both of you for the things that you've done, but i hope one day i can bring joy and draw a smile on your face. i really do.

sincerely, 

your daughter, who is still trying her best. 

08

***

august was a chill month. though i was still processing all the things that happened in july, i guess it went pretty okay. lots of catchup sessions, warm wishes and goodbyes too. i guess this is where my new journey begin. and i am forever grateful for the opportunity. i hope this new chapter and journey in my life will teach me something important; to accept myself for who i am. 

never once in my life i'd imagined to be where i am right now. as i am writing this, it's gonna be almost a month since i started living in my fav city. i still couldnt believe that im here tbh. it feels surreal but i am enjoying my time here. it feels so nice to be back again. though i'm alone, i know i still have my support system back at home :)