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i haven't been feeling myself and i've been having second thoughts for the longest time now. judge me, if you want. & at times like this, the only thing i could think of is my parents. i know they might not be able to read this personally. but that's okay, as long as god knows, that's good enough.
to mak & ayah,
i know i shouldn't say this but i am terribly sorry for becoming the person i am now. i am sorry for being a disappointment. i am sorry for always doubting myself and couldn't see the good in me. i am sorry that your daughter is suffering from mental illness. i am sorry for using all your money to spend on medications and therapies, where you could've used it somewhere else. i am sorry that my journey isn't the same as others. i am sorry that i turned out like this.
everyday i wake up, wishing that i have a different life. the life that is normal. though i know that is impossible. i am slowly accepting the fact that i am different but it's definitely a lie if i say that this is easy. "oh, i can't compare myself with others because everyone else is different" sure, theres a truth in that but it's not as simple. you can't just snap everything and move on. it is not that easy. trust me, there's not a single day that i don't ask myself "why am i like this".
deep down, i just want to be the best version of myself in your eyes. i want to make you proud, happy and content. i don't have anything to offer yet but do know, i am battling with myself to give you the best. and in my right state of mind, i know i still want to fight my way for both of you. i may not be the most bright and brilliant student, or the most obedient child, but i am trying, because i want to.
both of you have given us, your children the best education that we could've ever asked for. you taught us well. you taught us almost everything; except that you didn't teach us how to live and survive when you're gone. but that's okay, we are still figuring that out.
it breaks me and it saddens me to see myself in this condition now where all i want is to just make you happy. but i guess that is still too much to ask for. i know that it breaks your heart too to see me like this. though none of you have seen me in this condition (or probably mom has), i truly hope that it won't happen.
i don't know what the future holds but i do hope and pray that things will get better. i hope that one day i can make you proud. although i know i can never repay both of you for the things that you've done, but i hope one day i can bring joy and draw a smile on your face. i really do.
sincerely,
your daughter, who is still trying her best.
