あ

kosong

sitting on this chair in the dining room and asking myself why do i feel so empty.

i have friends but i don't feel like i do. i have family but everyone has their own lives. i am at home but i feel empty. 

tried to converse with someone but i myself couldn't keep up with my moods. 

i miss my old life, where i had lesser problems. where i could still control myself. where i had more friends. where i didn't feel empty and lonely. 

i'm scared to talk to anyone because i know it's tiring to talk to me. i don't want to annoy anyone. i can't even pretend to sound like i'm okay in texts. i'm tired of having these thoughts. 

i ask myself, what do i want?

i just want someone to be there for me. to tell me that it's okay to feel like this. to tell me that the future isn't scary and thing will be okay. i want someone to tell me that i'm worthy and i am not a burden. tell me that all of these thoughts aren't true. convince myself to not believe any of my own thoughts. stop me whenever i feel like hurting myself. 

i want  things to be back to normal. i want my mom. i want my dad. i want everyone that i care and love to be here right by my side, without me having to feel like things have changed and i'm different. 

i'm tired. 

tried my best and it's still not enough. 

homesick

the first thing i say to myself when i wake up every day is "oh, it's going to be another tiring day" and i will automatically think of some activities for me to do, to distract myself from my own thoughts. i would usually think about it the night before but sometimes thinking about what to do tomorrow drains me. after couple of hours struggling to get up from bed, i'd go and take my shower. most of the days i don't look myself in the mirror, because i'm too disgusted to see my own face. usually i'd just stay in my room, open youtube or netflix and just randomly click on any shows or movies. i don't really watch it, i just let it play itself because i don't want to feel lonely. at least there's another sound rather than just the loud voice in my head. it has been three months of me living like this. and there isn't a single night where i fell asleep in peace, a night without tears. i hate the nighttime the most. it's when i ask myself what should i do tomorrow and honestly every time i ask myself that question, my heart will automatically feel heavy. because there isn't much choice. i have to come up with something to make myself stay for another night.  

sure, i still have my family and closest friends with me. i have been trying my best to stay connected with them. i'm not trying to pull out any sort of cards but being in this condition with my disorders, it's hard for me to do that. it's not guaranteed that i will feel okay most of the time. and knowing how messed up my pattern is, it can be really tough for someone to deal with me. and that's why i choose to step back. 

as cliche as this may sound, i do feel numb. all the time. i don't feel happy or excited. i think the only emotion i could feel is sadness; a constant sadness that pulls you down into the darkness where you're all alone, and it haunts you back no matter what you do. i always depend on something for me to look forward to, or at least someone that i know who's going to be there, physically especially. i really can't afford to be alone now. i really can't. my body aches all the time, especially my shoulder. it's so stiff and it hurts a lot. most of the time i noticed myself clenching my fist or jaw, and i do that unconsciously. there's so much tension in my body. 

the meds that i'm currently taking aren't working, esp for the past few days. i don't feel any difference after taking it. maybe because i'm forcing myself too much to get better. but i just, idk.

i don't know how much longer i have to live like this, but really, it's exhausting. every breath i take feels so heavy and what sucks is that people can't hear that heavy sigh. 

i feel empty. so empty. there's no more joy or spark in my life. everything is so dark and heavy. i feel like i lost my sense of belonging. sometimes home doesn't feel like home anymore and the people that i used to call 'home' is no longer here. i truly miss everything. i miss home. i am homesick.

switch off

do you know how tiring it is to be constantly scared of yourself because you don't know what you're going to feel for the next few hours?

do you know how exhausting it is to constantly be cautious whenever you're feeling good/happy just because you know you're going to be sad eventually?

do you know how annoying it is to act like you're okay because you know people will get sick of your constant depressive episodes? 

do you know how frustrating it is to wait for yourself to get better when in reality you're actually not?

do you know how sad it is to be left alone and to feel lonely, even when you're surrounded with people?

do you know how shitty it is to feel disconnected from people you care and yourself?

do you know, how tiring it is to be the person you're not? just because you hate yourself for who you really are. 

i know a sane person won't say any of this but i really, really am tired of everything; of myself. i can't stress enough how shitty i feel every single day, thinking that i'm just another burden to everyone. it's so hard to constantly think of how to go through the day without any destructive thoughts. 

"do people still care?"

"do i matter?"

"am i valid?"

"what differences would it make if i just, go?"

i've come to the point where i'm starting to beg everyone, to try and understand this. 

everything is just tiring.