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the first thing i say to myself when i wake up every day is "oh, it's going to be another tiring day" and i will automatically think of some activities for me to do, to distract myself from my own thoughts. i would usually think about it the night before but sometimes thinking about what to do tomorrow drains me. after couple of hours struggling to get up from bed, i'd go and take my shower. most of the days i don't look myself in the mirror, because i'm too disgusted to see my own face. usually i'd just stay in my room, open youtube or netflix and just randomly click on any shows or movies. i don't really watch it, i just let it play itself because i don't want to feel lonely. at least there's another sound rather than just the loud voice in my head. it has been three months of me living like this. and there isn't a single night where i fell asleep in peace, a night without tears. i hate the nighttime the most. it's when i ask myself what should i do tomorrow and honestly every time i ask myself that question, my heart will automatically feel heavy. because there isn't much choice. i have to come up with something to make myself stay for another night.  

sure, i still have my family and closest friends with me. i have been trying my best to stay connected with them. i'm not trying to pull out any sort of cards but being in this condition with my disorders, it's hard for me to do that. it's not guaranteed that i will feel okay most of the time. and knowing how messed up my pattern is, it can be really tough for someone to deal with me. and that's why i choose to step back. 

as cliche as this may sound, i do feel numb. all the time. i don't feel happy or excited. i think the only emotion i could feel is sadness; a constant sadness that pulls you down into the darkness where you're all alone, and it haunts you back no matter what you do. i always depend on something for me to look forward to, or at least someone that i know who's going to be there, physically especially. i really can't afford to be alone now. i really can't. my body aches all the time, especially my shoulder. it's so stiff and it hurts a lot. most of the time i noticed myself clenching my fist or jaw, and i do that unconsciously. there's so much tension in my body. 

 the meds that i'm currently taking aren't working, esp for the past few days. i don't feel any difference after taking it. maybe because i'm forcing myself too much to get better. but i just, idk.

 i don't know how much longer i have to live like this, but really, it's exhausting. every breath i take feels so heavy and what sucks is that people can't hear that heavy sigh. 

 i feel empty. so empty. there's no more joy or spark in my life. everything is so dark and heavy. i feel like i lost my sense of belonging. sometimes home doesn't feel like home anymore and the people that i used to call 'home' is no longer here. i truly miss everything. i miss home. i am homesick.