あ

it is the last day of 2016 and in few more hours, there'll be fireworks to celebrate the arrival of 2017.

im afraid. im scared. 

rindu.

i woke up this morning, imagining how my life would actually be if you're still around. i miss waking up by hearing your voice, complaining that I'm late for my prayer. i miss seeing you, wearing your fav telekung and sit on the rocking chair, watching those agama shows on tv. i miss going down the stairs feeling excited to eat your nasi lemak or nasi goreng. or when you came back from pasar, saying that you bought a random clothes or pyjama for me, and of course, telling me that you bought my fav popcorn from the stall too. i miss reading the newspaper with you after breakfast. i miss those random texts or i miss being excited when you said that we're going out to a mall or something. i miss eating Nandos with you and you would steal my chips cause you know i'd be mad. but believe me mom, i would never be mad at you anymore, you can take all the chips that you want.

when i was a kid, i always feel excited when i know that you're coming home. the first thing that you'd do is to put your tupperware in the sink, and you'd steal one or two freshly fried ayam goreng from kak ana. you always ask her to cook daging goreng, which is your fav food ever, every single week. we would sit together on the floor and i can still remember your scents (its a mix of your perfume, your car and your office) as both of us will play the 'find the differences' section in the newspaper. we never missed that activity and you will always ask me to read english newspaper cause you want to train me and improve my english. i miss cooking with you. even though i know that you'd still complain about my chopping skills. i miss tasting and arguing about your cookings, saying that it is not salty or spicy enough. and of course, i miss preparing the table for dinner and clean everything up afterwards.

i miss going to your room randomly while waiting for isha' prayer because your room is so cold and cozy. i miss praying together with you. i miss those random conversations that i had with you. like 'what should we eat tomorrow' or 'why i look like you instead of dad'. i wish you were here longer so that i can have more conversation with you about life, love, studies and everything else. i miss watching movies with you at night, or i miss being forced to watch your fav tv shows that i don't even understand what was it about. i miss hearing you, reciting doas before you go to sleep and ask me to do the same thing too. when i was young, i used to 'lead' you to your room and you would act as if you can't see anything cause you're too sleepy. that time i would hold your hand and tell you 'careful, theres a stair here' and you would say 'uh-oh, didn't see that' and you would say 'thank you anak mak' when i successfully led you to your bed. i miss hearing you say 'good night, sleep tight, sweet dreams' to me.

but now, everything has changed.

now i wake up to the alarm that was set by me the night before. i would go to your empty and dark room, feeling blank and empty. i'd go back to sleep after my prayer instead of watching the agama shows on tv. i'd go down the stairs, wondering is there something that i can eat in the kitchen. most of the time theres nothing to eat. but i'd usually take a bread or just drink water. then i'd go back to my room and play with my phone or do something else. now i have to go to the mall alone, if i want to. theres no more Nandos date with you and I'm eating the chips all by myself. sometimes i'd leave some of the chips, even though i know that you won't be eating it. i don't have anyone to wait for them to come back now. cause me myself, sometimes reach home really really late. now i don't even read newspaper and i don't know whether they still have the 'find the differences' section in it anymore. i don't cook either cause most of the time i'll be waiting for the delivery guy to come. i don't have to prepare anything for dinner cause sometimes i eat alone. and theres nothing to clean up on the dining table, except now it is all covered up with dusts. i tried to make my room as cozy as yours, but i can't beat yours. and now i have no hand to hold to play the game. and theres no one to wish me the good night wishes like you used to.

"mak sayang lily"

"lily pun, sangat"

this is tiring and exhausting. i never expect me, myself to be facing this situation and pain. when will the pain go?

it's tiring to feel sad and depressed over the same thing every day. it's tiring to ask people for the same thing. it's hard for me to stay positive because i know i can't. it's tiring to know that i am far from getting better. it's tiring to face this alone, without getting someone else involved. it's tiring because this not only affects me in my daily routine, it also affects my studies. i tend to be even more sensitive to people. i don't feel like talking to anyone, even if my heart says otherwise. i really want to be alone cause i don't want to be hurt and i don't want to hurt people, especially those who don't understand it. and that makes me feel mad about myself, cause at the end of the day, i'll regret everything that i've done.

for once, i wish I'm not here anymore.

19th June 2014.

To the 17 years old me, I know that you might be sleeping right now because you just had the lowest time in your life. It was tiring, I know. I'm aware that you just talked to our Mom and showed her a picture of her when we were in Hyde Park, two years ago. Without you knowing, that was the last time you talked to her for the rest of your life. You must be wondering why you felt so tired, right? Because I wondered the same thing too. Its okay, I know you just gave your sweetest smile to Mom and she gave hers to you. Little do you know, that was the last time you saw her sweetest smile. Sleep tight, my dear self.

You should go to sleep and have a good rest because tomorrow will be a tiring day for you, and our family. I know that you will wake up at 5 in the morning for sahur.  When you see Mom later, don't worry about making noises in the kitchen. Because she will never hear those noises again. Don't ask why she doesn't move an inch even after hearing all the noise that you've made. Because she will never wake up.

You're going to have a terrible dream later this morning. Its okay, its just the syaitaan. But promise me you wont scold Dad when he ask you to check Mom whether she's still alive or not. Promise me to never freak out like I did. You are the one thats going to wake Amirul and Mekna up and tell them about it later. Be brave, my dear. Remember to walk down the stairs slowly because if you don't, you will be traumatize of running down the stairs for the rest of your life.

I know that it will be freaking hard for you to accept the fact that Mom's gone. But think about it again my dear, its for her best. She's been suffering for almost two years. You wont see her screaming in pain anymore. She deserves her own rest. I know its hard for you to live your normal life after this but believe me, you will see the amount of people that love you later. The faces that you'e never expected them to care for you. Because there is always be a reason for this.

All I ask for you to do is, be a good girl and a good daughter that Mom and Dad always want you to be. You are strong and you can face this. You should be proud because Allah has tested you by taking a person that you love the most, for the rest of your life on this Earth. You can cry your balls out and its going to hurt because your eyes gonna be melecet for almost two weeks. Its okay dear, you got this.

I know that the moment you open your eyes after this, things will be different. But not all, there are still some things that remain the same. You still have your other four family members that will always support you and make you laugh. Oh and Bella too haha. Chin up, dear self. He is there for you. Always.

Sincerely, from the 19 years old version of you who is still crying like a baby probably at this moment. (ps: don't be such a crybaby when you grow older okay. its hella embarrassing.)

I scrolled down through my Twitter just now and saw this tweet that was retweeted by my friend. It was from a twitter called @AlbanianAkh. I cant thank you enough, for putting my (and others) feelings into words. May Allah bless you.


"Imagine your mother was on the silver bed that they wash dead bodies upon. You make wudhu upon her and then start to wash her hair. You run your hand through her greyed hair. You remember the times she would ask you if she looked nice in what she was wearing. You remember how sweet she was and how beautiful she was in her youth. You realize this will be the last time you touch your mother in this dunya. You lift her let side over and it strikes you that she can no longer wash her own self although she was the one who used to wash you and clothe you and feed you and stay up at night by your side worried about you; a young boy/girl or grown up man/woman she treated you the same. Her beloved son/daughter who she would give up her world for. You take a look at her face and wish she would smile at you one last time. You realize the small things you took for granted. You remember the jokes that you used to make her laugh and the things you said to please her. You begin to shroud her body and its time to cover her face. You ask for one last chance to look at her beauty and kiss her upon her forehead. You shroud her and will never see her face again in this life. Upon your shoulder she is carried just as upon hers she used to carry you. No more playing, laughing, giggling, joking... Pain and crying as you carry the most important woman in your life, out of your life. You burry her and as you walk away, you begin to remember the things you did that hurt her. Those words you said that she would overlook but you know brought her pain. You think about the times you chose your friends over her, your husband/wife over her, a program you preferred to watch over her. You begin to realize that you were a son/daughter that she deserved more from. You wish for one moment that you can hug her and tell her how sorry you are and tell her how much you appreciate her. 

Ya Allah, may we all earn our mother's duas and find her in Jannah."

I cant stress enough how true and accurate this tweets are because this is exactly what and how I felt on the day she left me and I've been feeling the same thing ever since that. The day when I said "Lily sayang mak sangat sangat" and cried like a little girl in front of everyone.  The guilt of something that you did to her will come to you and you'll cry your eyes out until you cant breathe. The feeling of longing to see and touch your mother's face. The urge to hug her, talk to her, and even eat with her. I've accidentally found an old video of me "interviewing" my mom about random thing in 2012. I straightaway cried when I saw the video. I've been dying to hear your voice, too see your smile and when I heard your voice and saw your smile again, it made me feel very very happy. 

I've been listening to your favorite songs lately. The one from The Beatles and The Carpenters and some from Westlife. I've also been wearing your favorite telekung and now I finally understand why you love it so much haha. 

I don't know how to end this post properly but thank you so much for reading. If you're reading this and you haven't called your parents for a long time, I think its about time for you to call them now. Or you can run to them and hug them tightly. Tell them what they deserve to hear from you. May God bless. 

Heres to the time where I feel like I'm all alone in this entire world. Where I thought that the one that I can count on didn't even give a shit on me anymore. The time where everyone is busy with their own 'work'. The time where I feel like going out all the time and avoiding myself for being alone. The time where I feel disgusted with myself. Its the time where I feel suffocated with my own feelings and thoughts, where all the 'what if' and 'if only' struck in my mind. I feel like I'm at the lowest point of my life but I cant do anything because it is too late to give up. And probably the best time to cry my eyeballs out. 

But then I realized something. This is the perfect time for me to turn back to Him. 

When things didnt turn out the way you wanted, just go with the flow. But I doubt it. I have no idea  whether I'm going to the right path or the wrong one. The path that can bring me even further from my dreams. It's hard, especially when youre not the type of person who can easily open up to people. Well, lets just hope for the best (at least). Pray for me.