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hi, it's me again.

today is the last day of 2023 and as usual, i'm feeling all sorts of emotions. but this time around, my anxiety is much more intense and i'm more scared to know what 2024 has for me. 

the thoughts of death and losing my loved ones, including myself scare me. thinking about how i would handle grief is beyond my imagination. we aren't getting any younger, and with the diseases that are going around- definitely not helping. and above all, seeing what our brothers and sisters are going through in g is beyond, beyond heartbreaking. 

2023 is not my best year, and not my worst year, although that was a close call. i felt like i was on auto-pilot a lot this year, especially in the second half. i reached the burnout point and man, it wasn't easy at all. things have been okay, but they are not my standard; if that makes any sense. and i'm trying to unlearn and learn to accept that it's okay. 

i lost a few people this year. my uncle passed away in early july and i was affected by it. i thought i wouldn't but i guess i've come to the point where death in general would affect me in any possible way it could. and i also lost a few people whom i treasured. this year made me realise even more that people do change (including myself). whether to be the better version of themselves or the literal opposite. i definitely took my time to grieve. a lot of trust issues, second-guessing myself, blaming fate, and wanting to do things beyond my control. and life just humbled me as i was trying to do all of that. 

i would summarise the year as a year that i don't want to remember. it isn't all bad memories, but because i couldn't recognise myself along the way. i lost myself a few times. got back up and pushed through. but it didn't get better (or at least didn't meet my expectations). i became more disciplined when it comes to my meds, but still, i'm not satisfied. 

i'm still trying to understand this new phase/part of me. maybe she is just completely different from the usual me. and in this process, i have to unlearn and learn a lot of things about myself and how i function. it is hard and it comes with a lot of pressure. my character/personality around people is slowly changing; e.g. my thought processes are slower. and how can i function or show that alter ego when i myself don't know what is going on. 

2023 has taught me a few life lessons and i am grateful for that. i can finally close this book of my life and keep it on the shelf. 

may 2024 year bring us more happiness and contentment in life & the hereafter. may all of our affairs be eased. 

love and still feeling anxious, 

lily 

hi there. thought of this blog when i was driving earlier and just in time for your 61st birthday tomorrow. 

there's a lot to update but im pretty sure you already know what's up (or down at this point). we're facing constant changes and different challenges every day and though it's very tiring, i somehow still (try) to be grateful for them. 

how are you doing there? for the past months, there has been quite a several news about famous people's passing and the most recent one is queen eli. we are coping with our lives now. both kakak and abang have their own struggles and ofc now that they have their own families, we haven't really met together for i think about one month now. bella is getting older. her voice has changed and she spends the day sleeping and hiding away from people. it is sad to see her like that, especially now that she couldn't really groom and clean herself like last time. and then there's luna; hyper as always and still trying to get bella to play with her. she's gotten even more manja too. which can be annoying at times. 

and for me, i'm trying to cope, really. a lot of changes have been going on over the past month and these are big changes for me. i'm still adapting and learning about myself and the situation. it definitely is not easy and every night i wish that you are here to help me in person with how should i help myself. it does get very lonely and i don't feel as happy anymore. i understand that it will take some time to adjust because again that's how we survive life. 

i don't know how else to express my emotions and thoughts because it's starting to feel weird for me to type them here. and what's sad is that i haven't been writing in my journal since june and i don't like that. 

but i'm still very much sad about the fact that we couldn't celebrate your day without you being here physically with us. it's always the same thing every year and even after 8 years, i still don't know how to cope when it comes to this. it really does not get easier. and i wish no one could relate to this. 

i'm praying hard that you are doing well wherever you are right now. praying that Allah will make it easy for you and i hope you know how much we miss and love you. rest well, mak. happiest 61st birthday.

decided to write here instead of my journal. seeing almost everyone recapping how their year went and reading what some of them shared with me make me sad. well, maybe sad is not the word to explain what i'm feeling. it's more like touched? proud? it's a mix of those two definitely. 

spent some time with myself to do some reflection. it seems that this year is indeed, a year of growth for me. growth in my career, my mental and physical health, and not to forget my emotional and spiritual side as well. one thing i do notice significantly is that my low days are definitely lesser than last year's. ofc, i still had it and when it was low, it really was. but somehow, i can understand myself better now and i move on faster, if that makes sense. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i don't dwell on things for too long. maybe i'm at the age where i can think rationally rather than react immediately. i'm glad to be where i am now and i thank it all to Him. 

few days ago i stumbled upon my old pictures from 2015 - 2018 and the first thought that i had was "wow, i was so young and naive". not in a bad way though. and it made me think that when i was 18 - 21 years old, i used to focus on one thing (read: problem) and treat it as the biggest world problem. maybe back then, it was my biggest world problem and i'm not blaming or belittle my younger self at all. it then made me think how 'matured' i am now and when i said that, i meant the way i think (clearly because i don't always behave how i'm expected to lol). 

it's always those feelings that you get when you look at old pictures. i somehow feel sorry for my younger self because at that time, she was having a hard time and indeed, she was trying her best to figure things out on her own. and then comes the next feeling; proud. proud of what and how she had gone through those obstacles in life. proud of how strong she was and is trying to be. 

and as always, i like to list down my high/lowlights for the year, as well as my growth and resolution. i can only share a few here as it's a bit too personal for me to share everything here. i guess one of the highlights is that i actually manage to achieve my goals and see myself as the person that i always dreamt of. i still have a lot to learn but i think i deserve a pat on my shoulder for this. and as for my lowlights, i remember how badly affected i was when i was scolded for something that i did not do or may have done it wrongly. i also challenged myself to change my perspective towards people and i struggled. it was not easy but i don't regret that. as for growth, like i mentioned earlier; i feel like i'm a calmer person and i don't sweat on small stuffs anymore. or at least, i try not to. i can handle my emotions better but i'm still learning everyday. and lastly, i hope and i'm praying hard that i get to keep this momentum next year and ideally, to improve and a better person. i also want to try to mend my broken relationships. although not all, but i do know a few that i still want to try and fix. 

let's take a step back and look at 2021 as a whole. it was definitely a tough year; being on and off with the lockdown, the flood, having a bunch of clowns to govern the country, financial crisis, and the list goes on. i remember how sad and terribly affected i was during the lockdown in june because people shared their stories on twitter- barely had anything to survive. despite it all, it's really touching to see our society went all out to help each other, unlike those who are responsible for it. i guess that's the silver lining. 

well this is such a long post lmao anyways i hope that 2021 was good to you. even if it wasn't a good year, it's okay. we'll try again next year. praying hard that 2022 will be good to you and your loved ones. take care always xx

hi there, it's been awhile. 

i was just scrolling through my old blog posts and also my drafts. wow, that was a lot to take in. i hope you are doing well as you read this post. as usual, i don't know why am i here but i feel like writing & keep a post for my future *older* self. 

life is alright, i guess? quite a lot of things have changed from the last time i updated this blog, but some part of life remains the same. i'm having a fever as i'm writing this as i just got my booster shot for my vaccine two days ago. ah yes, we still do that now - and most probably still have to do it in the future; god knows. 

to be honest with you, i'm quite overwhelmed with things in my life now. not sure if it's a good or bad thing. it's one of the feelings/days where you feel your heart might burst anytime - but you don't know whether it's happiness, stress, or just a random feeling. so whenever i feel this way, i write. and today, i chose to write my feelings here, prolly because i'm just to lazy to physically write it in my journal. 

hey future me, if you're reading this i just want to let you know that adulting is hard and sucks huh. like why are there so many things for us to handle and think? the thing is that we aren't even prepped for this or there isn't any guide hah starts laughing and crying. one thing that could somehow ease my heart is that at some point, everyone faces the same thing as we both do (yes, i'm still talking to you future self). 

and as much as i'm curious as how the future is going to be, i'm honestly scared of losing what i have now. losing the people i love, my cats, my phone or other devices, and myself. because if i don't take care of these properly, one day i might and will lose them. 

let's talk about family. my siblings and i are doing alright now. it's tough, but we are coping. whatever that happened last time or still happening even now, still affects us in our own way. but i'm eternally grateful to have both my sister and brother & i wish they feel the same too. like i said before, i can always cry whenever i start talking about my siblings. so let's not do that now yeah. as for my dad, he is doing physically well, alhamdulillah. but it saddens me to see how he is growing older and older everyday. i guess that is what i'm scared of. god knows how hard i'm trying to appreciate these moments, He knows. as for my mak, i haven't met or seen her in my dreams for awhile now. but she's always in my thoughts and prayers everyday without fail. praying hard that you are doing well over there, mak. we miss you as always. 

so about my cats, bella and luna - the girls are doing fine. they are slowly appreciating each other's presence and have better relationship now #girls. one thing for sure luna is such a control freak and gets jealous way too easily (totally not like her eomma, eh?). and bella being bella, still with her tough love. still, i love them girls equally. & let's not talk about my phone or any other devices alright. because i don't want to have any sudden problems with them - they better not be giving me one. let's just stay with how things are now #agreed. 

and lastly, about myself (much narcissistic, kidding). i honestly haven't been giving myself much credit for what i've done for the past month(s). i think i'm too focused on 'adulting' that i sometimes neglect my own emotions. but i think i'm doing alright. i feel like i am. except for my back - that is a major problem. i can't wait for my long break next month so i can treat myself yay! but on a serious note, i'm still learning how to be nice to myself. it's going somewhere but just not there yet. slowly taking one step at a time, yes?

to the future me, i hope life is treating you good too. we survived tough days before, and i'm surviving tough days now. i hope you'll surviving tough days that will come too. be nice to yourself always. 

may god bless. take care. 

january 2021 will come to its end, in less than two hours as I'm typing this. how's 2021 so far? well, if you live here in Malaysia, i think you are also feeling anxious looking at the covid cases for the past few days. frustrated, scared, uncertain- i totally get you. at this point we don't know if what we are doing now is right, because certainly it does not feel like it. 

covid aside, how's life? i hope it has been good for you, or that you are coping well. during this tough time i understand that it's hard to cope or to escape. i truly truly hope this will be over soon. or we find ways on how to cope better. hopefully. 

i started off the year with more responsibilities and pressure (that i put on myself). i am currently leading my own team at my workplace now. although it is a small team, but the pressure and responsibilities are there. it's something refreshing yet quite challenging at first. i'm so used to be a team player previously that i sometimes still have my own buffer time to process these new things and position. i remember i had a very bad week where i was constantly drained from work. i had few stuffs that were bothering me and those have affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. but alhamdulillah, all is well now. i'm thankful to be given that kind of learning opportunity/experience to prep me for the future. i used to have mixed feelings and find it hard to work with this new team, but i trust in Him and myself. slowly, god made it easy for me (& still is), and i can see things way more clearly now. 

due to work and me getting busy, i didn't have much time to sit down and write in my journal. well, not as much as i did in previous years. so earlier today, i finally sat down and changed the layout/concept of my 2021 journal. instead of writing daily/weekly, i will do it monthly now. if i have the time, ofc i can write more. but as for january, i only get to write one entry- which yes, i wrote it today itself lol. looking forward to writing more and decorate my journal (well, we'll see how that goes in the net few months). 

and personally, i had few breakdowns this month which i'm sure it was due to my fragile state and the stress from work. but somehow it felt weirdly satisfying to be able to cry? although it took my quite a long time to finally let it all out (this is something new for a cry baby like me). it got me thinking whether i was holding it back all this time? but when i thought of it again, all this while i was fine- at leas thats what i thought. it's okay, i don't want to think too much about it. whatever it is, at least i was happy and i (hope) didn't repress anything. i haven't consumed my meds for almost seven months now. damn, now that is something i am truly proud of. i know healing isn't linear but i hope it stays this way. 

i guess the main reason why i'm writing now is because i want to keep a reminder for my future self. during that week of me being vulnerable and fragile, my dear friend/colleague reminded me to take one step at a time. for the longest time, i've been telling people the same quote without truly understand what does it mean by that (mainly because i forgot how deep it is). and when i received that, my heart ached because i was doing the opposite. i pressured myself too much, thinking that i have to be perfect or knowledgable or else people are going to judge. to think that i have to do things perfectly without doing any mistakes, it was tiring. and i did all of these unconsciously and yes, unconsciously, i let it consume me. i'm super glad and thankful that someone reminded me of this because truly, i can only do so much. i'm not a robot, i have my time too. to take it one step at a time and not rush things- are very very important. because just like Jordin said, things will happen when it's supposed to. so why sweat on it so much when you've already done your best? 

so to the future me, please comprehend the lyrics next time you sing this song, okay? 

and to you, take it one step at a time too. may god bless. 

the last post was written five months ago, and we are still in the midst of lockdown. this is the second one actually. supposedly this is more chill but honestly everyone is just too confused with the rules sigh. 

so, in that five months, a lot has happened. i think? first of all, i got a new kitten for my 23rd birthday. it's not any other kitten, it's a munchkin. my fav breed of all. her name is Luna. i'm practically her mum cat, and i call myself 'eomma' lol my friend came up with the korean theme, and we just followed along. or perhaps, maybe luna is indeed korean. 

i'm also an aunty now! my nephew, Aryaan, made a grand entrance to the world. we couldn't even properly celebrate my sister in law's baby shower haha. but one thing i know for sure, is that Aryaan is surrounded with endless love. may you grow healthily sayang. tylils can't wait to tell you some good ol lame jokes. 

alhamdulillah, i am still working at the same place. i had to take care two child previously, J & V. J has graduated from our program in September. i am super proud to see him and being able to look at his progress from day one was such an indescribable feeling. then i was told to take care of another new kid, D. and bcs D's condition is quite severe and needs full attention, I will be no longer aiding V. this was not in the plan at all. i knew that J is going to graduate soon, because his condition is mild. but to let go of V in such a short notice, my heart couldn't take it. i get attached easily (depends on the situation) and ofc, i had a hard time to adapt. i was on leave when V was assigned to another therapist, and my colleagues told me that V kept on saying "where are you, where are you" every day. he even hugged my colleague who also wears hijab. maybe bcs the resemblance is there. mind you that he is not the type of person who likes to hug others. previously i taught him how to request, so he would say "i want ___" and when i was not there, he told my colleagues "i want miss lily". yes, my heart broke tsk. it's okay, i can still see and play with him. this is something i need to learn. to be able to move on and try not to be too attached. 

but i am still, very proud of both of them. they both have a special place in my heart. they have so much potentials, and very smart too. i hope the world will continuously offer them kindness in the future, because their pure hearts deserve it. 

anyways, as i mentioned, we are in the second wave of lockdown. i have been staying at home and working from my own room. i record videos everyday, for D. it is a totally different experience than last time, as previously i had back-to-back zoom sessions. i am glad that i get to experience different things bcs ofc, both has its own pros and cons. 

being at home for a long time, ofc i've done a lot of thinking. just like last time, this lockdown is affecting many people, still. it saddens me to see how many people lost their jobs due to this pandemic. many are struggling to put food on the table. to survive, basically. it makes me think that it's different for every single of us. i am blessed and thankful, but at the same time, i feel so powerless. because i can't help much, although i really want to. it is really, a hard time. maybe not for everyone. i hope and pray that god will ease all of this. all of our pain and hardships. i hope we get to live our normal life again, maybe not anytime soon, but i hope we eventually will. 

mentally, i'm not sure how am i doing. i noticed for the past few weeks i have been feeling low. not sure if it's because of my period. but it's a different kind of sad, if that makes sense. i feel like there is something holding me back from expressing my true feelings. like, i feel sad but i can't bring myself to cry or to let it out from my system. it's hard. because some days i feel okay, but the others i can be very sensitive. and i don't like that. 

i also think that my depressive episodes are lesser. but my anxiety is peaking, and that is bad. i don't like to feel anxious because that would affect me for days. the uneasy feelings, feeling scared of i don't know what, it is all tiring. i have been consistent with my journaling. it does calm me but sometimes it can make things worse. i have a lot of things to do for me to calm myself, like painting, drawing, etc. but again, it's either i'm too busy with my work and i will end up feeling tired, or i just don't have the energy to do it. there is nothing in between, and that's annoying. but i guess me typing this all out is a progress. right?

deep down, i know that this lockdown has something to do with my anxieties and low moods. i keep on overthinking stuff and i keep on having flashbacks. of how my life was, doesn't matter if it was a good memory or bad. and bcs of that, it makes me want to go back to my past which is ridiculous. 

i don't know. this year has been tough. we were all given different kind of struggles. i just hope the world, you, and I will get and feel better soon. i hope none of us will give up. i hope we will be given more strength each day, and keep giving it to each other. be kind, always. 

until then, take care.