hi there. thought of this blog when i was driving earlier and just in time for your 61st birthday tomorrow. 

there's a lot to update but im pretty sure you already know what's up (or down at this point). we're facing constant changes and different challenges every day and though it's very tiring, i somehow still (try) to be grateful for them. 

how are you doing there? for the past months, there has been quite a several news about famous people's passing and the most recent one is queen eli. we are coping with our lives now. both kakak and abang have their own struggles and ofc now that they have their own families, we haven't really met together for i think about one month now. bella is getting older. her voice has changed and she spends the day sleeping and hiding away from people. it is sad to see her like that, especially now that she couldn't really groom and clean herself like last time. and then there's luna; hyper as always and still trying to get bella to play with her. she's gotten even more manja too. which can be annoying at times. 

and for me, i'm trying to cope, really. a lot of changes have been going on over the past month and these are big changes for me. i'm still adapting and learning about myself and the situation. it definitely is not easy and every night i wish that you are here to help me in person with how should i help myself. it does get very lonely and i don't feel as happy anymore. i understand that it will take some time to adjust because again that's how we survive life. 

i don't know how else to express my emotions and thoughts because it's starting to feel weird for me to type them here. and what's sad is that i haven't been writing in my journal since june and i don't like that. 

but i'm still very much sad about the fact that we couldn't celebrate your day without you being here physically with us. it's always the same thing every year and even after 8 years, i still don't know how to cope when it comes to this. it really does not get easier. and i wish no one could relate to this. 

i'm praying hard that you are doing well wherever you are right now. praying that Allah will make it easy for you and i hope you know how much we miss and love you. rest well, mak. happiest 61st birthday.