decided to write here instead of my journal. seeing almost everyone recapping how their year went and reading what some of them shared with me make me sad. well, maybe sad is not the word to explain what i'm feeling. it's more like touched? proud? it's a mix of those two definitely. 

spent some time with myself to do some reflection. it seems that this year is indeed, a year of growth for me. growth in my career, my mental and physical health, and not to forget my emotional and spiritual side as well. one thing i do notice significantly is that my low days are definitely lesser than last year's. ofc, i still had it and when it was low, it really was. but somehow, i can understand myself better now and i move on faster, if that makes sense. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i don't dwell on things for too long. maybe i'm at the age where i can think rationally rather than react immediately. i'm glad to be where i am now and i thank it all to Him. 

few days ago i stumbled upon my old pictures from 2015 - 2018 and the first thought that i had was "wow, i was so young and naive". not in a bad way though. and it made me think that when i was 18 - 21 years old, i used to focus on one thing (read: problem) and treat it as the biggest world problem. maybe back then, it was my biggest world problem and i'm not blaming or belittle my younger self at all. it then made me think how 'matured' i am now and when i said that, i meant the way i think (clearly because i don't always behave how i'm expected to lol). 

it's always those feelings that you get when you look at old pictures. i somehow feel sorry for my younger self because at that time, she was having a hard time and indeed, she was trying her best to figure things out on her own. and then comes the next feeling; proud. proud of what and how she had gone through those obstacles in life. proud of how strong she was and is trying to be. 

and as always, i like to list down my high/lowlights for the year, as well as my growth and resolution. i can only share a few here as it's a bit too personal for me to share everything here. i guess one of the highlights is that i actually manage to achieve my goals and see myself as the person that i always dreamt of. i still have a lot to learn but i think i deserve a pat on my shoulder for this. and as for my lowlights, i remember how badly affected i was when i was scolded for something that i did not do or may have done it wrongly. i also challenged myself to change my perspective towards people and i struggled. it was not easy but i don't regret that. as for growth, like i mentioned earlier; i feel like i'm a calmer person and i don't sweat on small stuffs anymore. or at least, i try not to. i can handle my emotions better but i'm still learning everyday. and lastly, i hope and i'm praying hard that i get to keep this momentum next year and ideally, to improve and a better person. i also want to try to mend my broken relationships. although not all, but i do know a few that i still want to try and fix. 

let's take a step back and look at 2021 as a whole. it was definitely a tough year; being on and off with the lockdown, the flood, having a bunch of clowns to govern the country, financial crisis, and the list goes on. i remember how sad and terribly affected i was during the lockdown in june because people shared their stories on twitter- barely had anything to survive. despite it all, it's really touching to see our society went all out to help each other, unlike those who are responsible for it. i guess that's the silver lining. 

well this is such a long post lmao anyways i hope that 2021 was good to you. even if it wasn't a good year, it's okay. we'll try again next year. praying hard that 2022 will be good to you and your loved ones. take care always xx