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feeling so anxious and scared right now. i am not sure whether i could handle it well. thinking that i'll be meeting people again makes me feel so anxious. i wish i could just stay in my room and not meeting people at all.  

god please ease this heart. 

it's weird to be writing this in the afternoon cause usually i would write only at night. for some reasons, i feel like writing all the thoughts here, right now. 

it's the 15th day of my fav month and not a single day/night passed by without me crying. everyday i keep on wondering, "why does this happen again?" "why do i constantly feel sad and depressed, no matter how much i tried not to?" "is there even a hope for me" and a lot more. i have to admit, these thoughts are really scary. and the fact that my brain and my mind can think of these thoughts scares me the most. i am scared of myself. 

i can't describe how am i feeling now. if i have to choose a word to describe it, it would be either numb or empty. or both actually. while writing this post, i can hear some of my neighbours' kids are laughing with their friends outside. i wish i could join them too. i haven't laughed in so long and i kinda miss that feeling. on social medias, i see all my friends posting pictures and videos of them having fun with their loved ones. it's fun to watch sometimes. but somehow it hurts. cause i want to be like that too. 

i have been slowly trying to reach out. and i realised i have a problem with reaching out. when i talk to someone, it's hard for me to be honest with them. mainly because I'm afraid of their reactions. whether will they be okay if i tell this and that, would they still see me as the same person? whats harder is the fact that i somehow will always end up putting my hopes high on these people. when i desperately need the help, i would expect instant replies from them. but again, reality hurts. they have their own lives and struggles too. i can't ask much from them. and when it happens, i'd get hurt even more. i would feel like I'm alone in this journey. and somehow, i was indeed, alone. 

my daily routines and activities have been way tougher for me. i have always had a hard time waking up from my bed everyday, but now it's much tougher. i would wake up at 9am and would actually get up from my bed at 3pm. yeah, it took me that long. if you ask what did i do for that 6 hours, i would say nothing. i did nothing. sometimes i will check my phone and reply to some texts, if i have the energy to. but most of the times i would just stare at the ceiling, thinking, crying and overthinking. the cycle goes on everyday. i hate to say this, but i never thought of taking care of myself would be this hard. god knows how hard it is for me to brush my hair every single day. i don't even want to see myself in the mirror. i feel disgusted. but that's just how my life is for now. 

I'm on my semester break now and i have been staying in my room for most of the days. I've only went out once or twice in two weeks. i don't even have the energy to go outside, especially to the place where it's full of people. when i get back home, i would feel better cause i feel like i can finally breathe again. last night i drove to buy some food for dinner, and it was friday night. you know how the traffic would be and plus, it's still raya season. so there were a lot of open houses. i was alone, and i cried while driving. i had to stop by the side of the road to calm myself down, because the drivers were crazy. idk maybe it's just me. now i feel like i don't want to drive, ever again. 

now i feel like i suck at communicating. you can tell by looking at how I'm constructing this post. and i hate that. i feel like i don't know how to communicate anymore and it feels awkward. maybe because i have been isolating and avoiding myself from people too much, till i don't know how to start things over again. I've tried to approach the people that I've avoided, like my friends, for example. sending a text with "hey, how are you doing?" isn't really a big deal for me. the hardest part is to keep the conversation going. i may be fine when i sent the first text, but i may not be fine in the next few hours, especially when the attack suddenly kicks in. and when it happens, i would just leave the conversation hanging. i really hate myself for doing that and the fact that i can't pretend to be okay even in text, sucks. i couldn't even keep up a conversation lol i feel so pathetic. 

get well soon, dear self.