あ

Chaotic

30 minutes ago i was doing completely fine. and now, it's a total chaos.  

i am honestly really tired of feeling things. I'm tired to live like this. tired of depending on stuffs that could make me feel happy, temporarily. tired of thinking and to constantly reminding myself that i would never be good enough for anyone. thinking that i can never be someone's first choice. tired of listening to "you'll get over it soon" and "feel better soon". cause the truth is i can no longer force myself to feel better. 

it hurts to see someone you care the most chose someone else instead of you. especially if that someone is a total stranger. it hurts when you give the best you could but they still won't choose you. i wish i could know, where did i go wrong and what did i do wrong. i guess that's better than guessing and wondering what actually went wrong. even when the truth hurts. 

it looks like everyone else is having a good time with their lives. these are the times when i like to compare myself with others. and i hate it so much. i don't want to become ungrateful with what i have. but i really can't control this. the thoughts in my mind are going crazy and it's definitely not something that i could  just snap out of it. 

oh i wish i could. 

Breakfast Adventures

So at 2am Yasmin asked me to grab breakfast in the morning together since we both kinda want to be more productive. Since I'm on my mid-semester break now, why not right? Even though I'm a no-breakfast kind of person lol. 

We were supposed to go out at 9.30am but we both slept quite late so instead of having breakfast, we had brunch haha. We chose Le Petit Dotty's in KL since both of us haven't been here. It's more chill compared to the one in TTDI and nearer to our place too.

Since it was the first time for both of us going here, of course we would... get lost.... right...? Lol funny how both of us are from KL and yet we are still not familiar with some of the places haha but hey you can't expect us to know and remember everything in KL! (right..?) 

This is what we ordered. Unfortunately we didn't get to try their famous salted egg yolk cronut (that's what you get for waking up late hahaha). To me the food was okay, nothing impressive honestly. They don't really have a lot of options in their menu since their speciality is their pastries. We wanted to get some but both of us were too full so we didn't get any. 

One of the reason to why we chose this place is because we (read: I) wanted to take nice pictures. It's been a long time since the last time I took food flat lays and I actually stood up to take these pictures lol A+ for effort. *pats self*

We had a really nice conversation and I really like the vibe here. We went on a public holiday but it wasn't packed at all. There were few people here and there but it wasn't noisy at all. The cafe has clear glass mirrors so the natural light will always be there for you to take nice pictures or selfies. 

Yea that was me, attempting to behave normally to take a "proper and decent" pictures. 

And we really like the decoration too! I love the tiles behind me and the colours match really well. Definitely gonna come here again (hopefully I'll be able to wake up earlier lol)

A very cute girl spotted, please zoom into her face to get your dose of happiness. (ps: I'm not talking about Yasmin)

Here are the mandatory pictures, of course haha. Even though it was short and simple lunch, but I really had fun. Do come here if you're looking for a place to have a chill breakfast in the middle of KL! Thank you min :) 

"cause i'm leaving, on a jet plane. don't know when i'll be back again."

13 years ago, at this moment, i'd be so excited cause it's time to celebrate another birthday in the family. obviously i'd be excited to eat the cake tho haha.

10 years ago, at this moment, i would take a peek of your room to see whether you're still awake, so that i can be the first person to wish your birthday. also cause i want to show you the cards that we wrote, and obviously to show off my colourful birthday wishes with my glitter pens (and also to show how pretty my handwriting is hahaha).

7 years ago, at this moment, i would be so anxious and write a long birthday text for you. and you will reply few hours later, saying "thank you anak mak. mak sayang lily." 

4 years ago, at this moment, i have already slept because i was so tired from school. but i managed to send you a birthday text and gave you a hug. i can't really remember what happened on this particular day, but who would have thought that this was the last time we could celebrate your birthday together. 

and on the same date, at this moment, i, am writing to you this post while listening to your playlist. i pray nothing but your happiness, mak. no matter where you are, i will always pray for you. even though you are not physically here and we can no longer celebrate your birthday, i hope you are celebrating it with others. you were in pain when we celebrated your last birthday, but i know that now, you are no longer in pain. i pray that He will always shower you with His blessings and surround you with love. words can't describe how much i miss you and words can't describe how painful it is to be missing you. but at the end of the day, i know that you are happy and you're in a better place now. at least that makes me happy and it keeps me going. 

i love you mak, happy birthday. 

sometimes i really feel that my life is so sad. and right now is definitely one of those times.

i thought i was doing better, and in fact i really was. i felt happy for awhile and i thought i can manage it this time. i was able to see things in a positive way. my day wasn't as gloomy as before and i actually noticed the sun, and i liked it. 

but not until the monster inside me decided to take control of everything, and not until the dog starts to bark. and this time, it surely barks louder than the previous ones. 

and now, i'm falling again. alone.

it sucks, it really sucks. been trying to let it out but i can't. not that i chose to keep it all inside, no, that's not the case. it's really sad to keep hoping on someone/something to make you feel better. and when things don't turn out the way you wanted it to be, you'll get frustrated. and you fall even deeper. 

i'm tired of hoping. i'm tired of expecting things that i know it will never happen. and i'm slowly losing hope in myself. i don't see the good anymore. 

whats even worse is when i tried to open up, the person chose to close their ears and pretend that nothing happened. and now, i keep on putting more bricks to the wall and the wall is rising higher. i swore to myself that i will never try to tell you again, ever.

out of all the things that made me feel this way right now is, the fact that you've stopped showing up in my dreams. i know this may sound ridiculous, but i am one of those people that would get affected by dreams. the last time i saw you was on the last day i felt happy and content, and i never see you ever since then. it made me think, are you sad to look at me in this situation? i know you are. and thats why i am so, terribly sorry. i don't want you to look at me in this situation but i really hope you'd show up again. because god knows how much it'd impact me if i could see your face. though it's only in dreams, thats the best i could get. 

and now, i really do feel lonely. the fact that you're no longer here and you've stooped showing up, makes me feel like i really am facing this alone. and i feel betrayed for countless times by those who i really trust. not gonna lie, it is tough and i wonder why am i still here. and for the others, i really hope they would spare their precious time for me, only for this one time. i may sound desperate, because i really am. 

i don't really reach out to people but i surely know how suck it is when you tried to reach out and called people to ask for help, but no one answered. and when they do, it's already too late. and that's what happened or perhaps, still happening. but when i do reach out, you know how bad the situation is. 

and i, am reaching out now.