january 2021 will come to its end, in less than two hours as I'm typing this. how's 2021 so far? well, if you live here in Malaysia, i think you are also feeling anxious looking at the covid cases for the past few days. frustrated, scared, uncertain- i totally get you. at this point we don't know if what we are doing now is right, because certainly it does not feel like it. 

covid aside, how's life? i hope it has been good for you, or that you are coping well. during this tough time i understand that it's hard to cope or to escape. i truly truly hope this will be over soon. or we find ways on how to cope better. hopefully. 

i started off the year with more responsibilities and pressure (that i put on myself). i am currently leading my own team at my workplace now. although it is a small team, but the pressure and responsibilities are there. it's something refreshing yet quite challenging at first. i'm so used to be a team player previously that i sometimes still have my own buffer time to process these new things and position. i remember i had a very bad week where i was constantly drained from work. i had few stuffs that were bothering me and those have affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. but alhamdulillah, all is well now. i'm thankful to be given that kind of learning opportunity/experience to prep me for the future. i used to have mixed feelings and find it hard to work with this new team, but i trust in Him and myself. slowly, god made it easy for me (& still is), and i can see things way more clearly now. 

due to work and me getting busy, i didn't have much time to sit down and write in my journal. well, not as much as i did in previous years. so earlier today, i finally sat down and changed the layout/concept of my 2021 journal. instead of writing daily/weekly, i will do it monthly now. if i have the time, ofc i can write more. but as for january, i only get to write one entry- which yes, i wrote it today itself lol. looking forward to writing more and decorate my journal (well, we'll see how that goes in the net few months). 

and personally, i had few breakdowns this month which i'm sure it was due to my fragile state and the stress from work. but somehow it felt weirdly satisfying to be able to cry? although it took my quite a long time to finally let it all out (this is something new for a cry baby like me). it got me thinking whether i was holding it back all this time? but when i thought of it again, all this while i was fine- at leas thats what i thought. it's okay, i don't want to think too much about it. whatever it is, at least i was happy and i (hope) didn't repress anything. i haven't consumed my meds for almost seven months now. damn, now that is something i am truly proud of. i know healing isn't linear but i hope it stays this way. 

i guess the main reason why i'm writing now is because i want to keep a reminder for my future self. during that week of me being vulnerable and fragile, my dear friend/colleague reminded me to take one step at a time. for the longest time, i've been telling people the same quote without truly understand what does it mean by that (mainly because i forgot how deep it is). and when i received that, my heart ached because i was doing the opposite. i pressured myself too much, thinking that i have to be perfect or knowledgable or else people are going to judge. to think that i have to do things perfectly without doing any mistakes, it was tiring. and i did all of these unconsciously and yes, unconsciously, i let it consume me. i'm super glad and thankful that someone reminded me of this because truly, i can only do so much. i'm not a robot, i have my time too. to take it one step at a time and not rush things- are very very important. because just like Jordin said, things will happen when it's supposed to. so why sweat on it so much when you've already done your best? 

so to the future me, please comprehend the lyrics next time you sing this song, okay? 

and to you, take it one step at a time too. may god bless.