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28th nov 2017 marks the first anniversary of something that is really important to me. i honestly don't know where to start and this post might be petty but hey, it's mine anyway.
i'm just gonna say it right here, so that you can skip it now. it's the first anniversary since i broke up. and no, this is not the first breakup i had, but trust me, this one is a bit different. for me, at least.
last year was really tough for me and i was rough on everyone, including myself. i was very unstable from time to time and i wasn't able to control myself back then. i treated myself badly, and i did the same thing to him. and throughout the whole time we were together, he has been very patient with me, though i didn't tell him about what happened. i admit, i was scared and didn't tell anyone until it got worse (dont do this kids).
two months after i had my worst breakdown(s), i've learned to appreciate things better. i wanted to appreciate my surroundings more. and i've also learned to let things go. believe me, letting him go was really tough. but i can't afford to hurt him, and to hurt other people too. and please know that it was never my intention; to hurt anyone in any way possible. with a heavy heart, i decided to let him go. but don't get me wrong, we both are really glad and thankful that things ended in a good way. maybe this is one of those "maybe not now" moments. who knows, right?
i have to admit, few weeks after it ended i was really messed up. part of me wasn't sure whether i did the right thing, and of course, i was still sad. but the other part of me was glad, that i don't have to hurt him anymore and i can focus on myself first. because in the end, you'd want to treat/love the person that you love wholeheartedly, and you won't get to do that if you don't love yourself first.
trust me, i've done the best i could before i decided to let him go. but i guess things didn't work out the way i wanted it to.
and yet here i am now, still writing and thinking about it after a year has passed. i am happy to say that i'm able to control myself better than before, way better actually. and i've learned to love myself, and i got to know myself better. it feels good actually. sure, i still fall sometimes, but now i know how to stand up on my own again. and the most important thing is, i've stopped hurting the people that i don't want to hurt, and i appreciate them more. my relationship with him and with everyone else got better and i'm so thankful for that. i'm not saying that i'm 100% independent now (wow i wish i am lol) but lets just say that things are so much better than before now :)
and for you, first of all i am really sorry that i lied to you, saying that i've stopped writing hahaha. but i know you'll stumble upon this post eventually. i really am trying to not make this sound super cheesy lol but i just wanna thank you for everything; for being patient with me and always checking up on me and with your "yo how's everything?" at the most random timing. thank you for being super cool and being a great friend to me. really, i appreciate it so much. and i wish you all the happiness that you deserve and hoping that you'll forever stay lame and understand my lame jokes haha.
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& this makes me realise how important self-love is. loving yourself doesn't mean that you're pathetic (i used to think this way lol @ me) but it shows how strong you actually are. it also means that you get to know yourself more, and to me, the most important thing of self-love is, it helps me to accept myself for who i truly am, including my flaws. because at the end of the day, you only have yourself and you, should take care of yourself. you are your own responsibility. self-love does not necessarily require you to splurge a big amount of money on yourself (you can do that too), but treating yourself with a cup of your fav drink or buy an ice cream is already enough; because you deserve it. so don't be too hard on yourself, ok?
may god bless.
