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might need to take a break for awhile from posting my monthly pictures, and just, let all this out.
to be constantly sad and disappointed with yourself is really tiring. to always self-doubt and doubting people are exhausting. to lose hope is the last thing i want, and i am slowly losing it. or probably, have already lost it.
two months and there's still no progress. waking up everyday and asking myself "when will this be over" is like a question you ask yourself "what to eat later". nighttime is the scariest. it is dark and lonely. mind is filled with wild and terrifying thoughts. i am too scared to sleep so i usually stay awake until 7am and rest.
my social life has gotten bad. i constantly cancel my plans that i look forward to. and whenever i go out, i get tired easily. if only i could just go and leave this place and start something new. to take a breather is all i need right now.
so much things going on in my mind and i don't know how to reach out anymore. and when i open up, i don't feel the satisfaction, because this heart of mine is too heavy. what makes me really sad is the fact that i can't express myself whenever i'm with someone that i'm comfortable with. the tears won't come out and i will feel numb, because that's all i could feel now.
i don't feel loved and i don't deserve to be loved. i feel disgusted with myself and will look away whenever i see my reflection. i did not ask this. it's really sad to think that suicide is already an option. it is scary.
i might delete this later but for now, i'm going to leave it here. because this, is my safe place.
