i still blame myself for what happened before. maybe i'm not good enough for anything; for my family and friends. it saddens me to see my conditions right now because i truly feel helpless. i've tried almost everything to make things better, and yet i still fall again and again. 

why cant i shut these thoughts easily? why do i have to face the same thing all over again. at this point i no longer feel tired of it because it has become a routine. it's the same cycle everyday. every morning when i wake up, i always try to look forward to that day and try to plan something for myself, or even for someone else -basically anything as long as i dont have to be alone with my own thoughts. and at night i will always make myself feel tired and every time i take my pills, i always hope that it'd do its magic work and make me feel sleepy so that i can just go straight to bed without having to overthink and feeling anxious about the future. 

reading, colouring, all those stuff do not bring joy to me anymore and that sucks because now i constantly have to think of other distractions. even going out doesn't help as much. oh god, what do i really want in this life, really? 

probably i just want it to be over.