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sometimes i really feel that my life is so sad. and right now is definitely one of those times.
i thought i was doing better, and in fact i really was. i felt happy for awhile and i thought i can manage it this time. i was able to see things in a positive way. my day wasn't as gloomy as before and i actually noticed the sun, and i liked it.
but not until the monster inside me decided to take control of everything, and not until the dog starts to bark. and this time, it surely barks louder than the previous ones.
and now, i'm falling again. alone.
it sucks, it really sucks. been trying to let it out but i can't. not that i chose to keep it all inside, no, that's not the case. it's really sad to keep hoping on someone/something to make you feel better. and when things don't turn out the way you wanted it to be, you'll get frustrated. and you fall even deeper.
i'm tired of hoping. i'm tired of expecting things that i know it will never happen. and i'm slowly losing hope in myself. i don't see the good anymore.
whats even worse is when i tried to open up, the person chose to close their ears and pretend that nothing happened. and now, i keep on putting more bricks to the wall and the wall is rising higher. i swore to myself that i will never try to tell you again, ever.
out of all the things that made me feel this way right now is, the fact that you've stopped showing up in my dreams. i know this may sound ridiculous, but i am one of those people that would get affected by dreams. the last time i saw you was on the last day i felt happy and content, and i never see you ever since then. it made me think, are you sad to look at me in this situation? i know you are. and thats why i am so, terribly sorry. i don't want you to look at me in this situation but i really hope you'd show up again. because god knows how much it'd impact me if i could see your face. though it's only in dreams, thats the best i could get.
and now, i really do feel lonely. the fact that you're no longer here and you've stooped showing up, makes me feel like i really am facing this alone. and i feel betrayed for countless times by those who i really trust. not gonna lie, it is tough and i wonder why am i still here. and for the others, i really hope they would spare their precious time for me, only for this one time. i may sound desperate, because i really am.
i don't really reach out to people but i surely know how suck it is when you tried to reach out and called people to ask for help, but no one answered. and when they do, it's already too late. and that's what happened or perhaps, still happening. but when i do reach out, you know how bad the situation is.
and i, am reaching out now.
